How can Da U's wide variety of outfits help them win a bowl game? I'll explain in this year's edition of Arbitrary Bowl Predictions. (Image lifted from allcanes.com)
Anymore, I am half convinced that human societies only establish traditions because we can rely on so little else in life. For example, I always associated this time of year with the bitter flavor of crisp winter air, the delicate crackling sound of boots sinking into snowbanks, and stinging glare of pure white sunshine as it momentarily peeks through the woolly clouds during the solstice shortened day. Those were the natural signals of winter for me. At least they were until I moved to North Carolina, where we are still experiencing balmy days in the mid-60's with sunny conditions throughout. Back in Ohio or Michigan this kind of weather in December would be greeted by temporary jubilation than panic in the streets as millions realized in horror that Al Gore was right. I tried complaining about this to a friend that lives in Minnesota, and was told to perform an anatomical impossibility. While few may pity this particular plight, certainly we can all agree that life offers very few things we upon which we can truly rely.
This is yet one more reason to love college football's bowl season. For nearly a century the most unique post-season in all of sport has managed to remain an annual truism for fans of college football. While pro-football signature game is a relatively recent tradition, and baseball has had to cancel the World Series more than once, the bowl games have been with us for nearly a century. The bowls have endured a great deal even changing locations or taking on non-traditional teams during times of crisis. If college football were to ever obtain a playoff for its top sub-division, some part of me would mourn the death knell that would represent for the reliable tradition of the bowl games. (Granted that isn't a sensible or defensible reason to oppose a playoff. For that you would need to cite that a college football playoff would be infeasible, or at least impractical, hegemonic, and fundamentally meaningless.)
Even in my short time of blogging I haven't been able to match the dependability of the bowl season. Though I may post infrequently, I always thought I would find time to pay my respect to college football's spectacular month-long finale. Yet it only took three years for me to miss a round of Arbitrary Bowl Predictions. Letting go of my regret and disappointment over failing in that self-imposed obligation, I am determined to return yet again to providing the very worst in gambling advice to the greater blogosphere. Even though some have grown weary of amateurs making lame efforts at prognostication, I take heart that even The Lawmaker finds room in his heart for my kind of predictions. With both a renewed sense of dedication and the implicit support of bloggers much more successful than me, I will once again layout my nonsensical method for evaluating this seasons batch of bowl games.
For anyone reading my Arbitrary Bowl Predictions for the first time, I should explain what I'm doing here. Since the college football games are popular among office pick'em pools and gamblers wintering in Vegas, I have used them to demonstrate the only logical method for sports gambling. Essentially, because of all the variables and random chances involved in sports wagers (not to mention the bookmakers), no sports gambler short of a professional bettor is capable of making winning wagers in any kind of consistent or predictable manner. Therefore if you would like to spice up your football expereince by risking your money on the outcomes of the games, the only sensible thing to do is write off everything as a loss and not worry about how you pick your bets.
To assist you in this laizez-faire approach, I offer an arbitrary method of picking the winners and scores of each bowl game. Then I offer my own analysis and explanations of each match-up using that arbitrary prediction method. This year I will be basing my prediction based on the aesthetic appeal of the teams' uniforms. All winners and scores are based on my own subjective comparison of the opposing teams appearance in their gridiron gear.Given the way poll voters (who in top level college football determine the national championship) always favor teams from famous programs over teams from upstart unrecognized schools -essentially voting for the laundry on the players' backs, it seems as rational as any other method for prediciting the bowls. As should be obvious, the garments teams wears bear no actual relationship to how the teams will perform. Then again in my experience studying how well teams play football generally has only a weak correlation to predicting the actual outcomes of games. How you use any of this blather, and whether you base your wagers on any of my lunacy, is entirely up to you. Just know going in that you'll only win anything because of dumb luck, which was already the case anyway.
For added frivolity, I will also be forecasting the overall quality of each match-up based on the name sponsor of each bowl. The more I like the product being promoted the more likely I will be to predict an exciting and competitive game.
Without any further rambling I present my 2008 Arbitrary Bowl Predictions . . .
EagleBank Bowl -12/20/2008
Wake Forest Demon Deacons v. Navy Midshipmen
The Uniforms: The Midshipmen wear the sort of straight-forward, classical uniforms that college football fans are supposed to love. The combination of gleaming gold and (surprise!) navy blue are a combination that is equally solid and drab. Somehow they just leave me feeling uninspired.So I am left to offer my praise for the the Demon Deacon's togs. Their look has a nice modern edge that never looks cluttered or busy. The respectable look of a respectable football program
The Sponsor: I never had heard of EagleBank before they sponsored this bowl. With the state of American banks these days, I fear I may never hear of them again. An unreliable and largely unknown sponsor suggests an uninteresting game. I imagine Wake Forest taking an early lead and being well on their way to a rout, until Navy makes some lately, but meaningless scores.
The Prediction: Wake Forest- 44 Navy- 27 (and it never feels that close)
New Mexico Bowl -12/20/2008
Colorado State Rams v. Fresno State Bulldogs
The Uniforms: Odd though it may seem neither of the uniforms worn by these teams made me think "college football". They each made me think of a different level of the sport instead. For some reason the bold colors, strong lines, and nigh-plagiarized helmets of Colorado State made me think of the simplistically iconic outfits of the NFL*. The Fresno State uniforms, with their bright, bright color scheme and cartoonish helmet logo, recall the sartorial sense of a high school team. In this case I tend to favor the more market-ready NFL look of the Rams over the garishly amateur Bulldogs.
* That stand for the National Football League for anyone suffering from Ron Jaworski Disease (the inability to understand or make use of acronyms).
The Sponsor: At first I thought this game had a lame sponsor. The state of New Mexico? In my mind New Mexico is just the New Coke to Mexico's Coca-Cola Classic. Then I discovered that this bowl is actually owned and operated by the almighty ESPN brand. I imagine that means ever aspect of this game can be adjusted for maximum telegenic impact. So tune in for this one, because it is sure to be a tense struggle until a couple of dramatic turns in the fourth quarter determine the victor.
The Prediction: Colorado State- 27 Fresno State- 19
Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl -12/20/2008
Brigham Young Cougars v. Arizona Wildcats
The Uniforms: BYU sports a well-scrubbed, throwback look that suits the spirit of their school (if you know anything about who runs the school you should know exactly what that means). It hearkens back to a bygone era of college football without seeming the least bit artificial or pretentious in doing so. The costuming of the Wildcats is as uninspired as their choice of mascot. The contrasting colors add to the chaos caused by the clash between modern pieces of flair and old-fashioned elements. Arizona lacks a destinctive style to unify and define their look and give them the appearance of purpose. In turn they lack that vital element that unifies a team gives them purpose. That's not to say these uniforms and players lack all direction, just any direction that would bring them to a bowl win.
The Sponsor: I am sure the people at Pioneer make fine electronics. Yet when I look around my own (albeit limited) possessions, I can't seem to find any of their products. With the sponsor has failed to draw me in, then I imagine the game will lack any true appeal. For whatever it's worth, I would have been much more excited if La Vegas itself, as the Mecca of sports betting, had been the name sponsor. Then I would have something more to look forward to then an easy victory for the Cougars in a pedestrian game.
The Prediction: BYU- 30 Arizona- 17
magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl -12/20/2008
Memphis Tigers v. South Florida Bulls
The Uniforms: South Florida takes a smart approach in crafting their image as a football program on the rise. They combine an uncommon color scheme, with a sleek and dynamic design, and a memorable logo that just begs the audience to take notice of them. Conversely the Memphis Tigers' apparel is so distracting it seems as if not even the designers paid attention. Several of the details may look good seperately, but clearly conflict when brought together. This is the uniform of a team with deep-seated chemistry issues. The players probably fight on the sideline and end up stewing instead of concentrating on the game at hand. The probably lose games over stuff like the offensive linemen deciding mid-way through the third quarter that they don't like their quarterback enough to keep blocking pass rushers on his behalf. South Florida is the easy choice in this pairing.
The Sponsor: Anyone who knows what a magicJack is leave a comment to explain it to the rest of us. I've tried to research it, and I still don't really understand what it actually does. I was just releaved to find it wasn't some kind of marital aid. I imagine this is the kind of game that is so one-sided and unentertaining, that most people will turn it off part way throug. Then millions of college football fans will be stunned at the actual final score when they check the paper the next day, as it will seem much lower and closer than the game they remember watching.
The Prediction: South Florida- 28 Memphis- 14
R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl-12/21/2008
Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles v. Troy Trojans ( from Troy)
The Uniforms: The Golden Eagles really underachieve with their apparel selection. They start with a strong chromatic combo, and straight forward design, then add some akward features -the too wide stripes on the helmet, devoting valuable helmet space to writing out "Southern Miss", putting the awesome eagle head logo ina barely visible position on the hip, etc. Yet it still remains a better choice then the ungodly Trojan ensemble. Troy's Trojans (from Troy) have layered an unforgivably cluttered logo on top of ugly lettering on top of a weak palette of hues. Seriously that overstuffed helmet logo is enough to kill almost any uniform's aesthetic value.
The Sponsor: It seems fitting that this game is presented by a trucking company. As I imagine it could only appeally to the same kinds of people who find it amusing to count semi-trucks on long car rides. This will be a jumbled affair with lots of goofy and awkward football moments, like quarterbacks shaking their heads at the sidelines because some wide receiver clearly forgot his route, coaches screaming because the the players executed the play he accidentally signaled instead of the one he meant to signal, and officials picking up flags because they forgot that force outs are only a penalty in the NFL. You might flip to this game part way through and have a hard time imagining how the two teams could hace accumulated their respective scores without an inordinate amount of safeties. There's a reason why truckers need pep pills to do their jobs, and it's pretty much the the same reason why you'll need powerful stimulants to stay awake through this game.
The Prediction: Southern Mississippi- 22 Troy- 18
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsetta Bowl-12/23/2008
Boise State Broncos v. Texas Christian Horned Frogs
The Uniforms: These may be the best two uniforms matched up outside of the elite level bowls. Boise State's garish blue and orange ensemble should be hideous by any rational measure, but it works some how. The audacity of it matches the spirit of an untamed bronco and suits this mid-major super-power well. It's a loud and proud look, perfect for a team out to make a name for itself. Texas Christian's clothing is notably less austentatious, with a darker color scheme and a more utilitarian design. Still, TCU's uniforms are an exercise in quiet confidence. A no-nonsense image that subtly hints at a proud tradition (with solid block lettering) and of contemporary relevance (with an excellent horned frog logo). I respect both of these uniforms greatly but give a narrow edge to TCU for having the stronger fundamentals.
The Sponsor: I don't understand why the San Diego County Credit Union would even sponsor a bowl game. Sure its nice to have your business promoted on a national telecast, but presumably they have a fairly limited pool of customers namely people and business in San Diego County. Can people from outside the county even join a credit union? Is a simple credit union -which I have always understood to be the mom-and-pop equivalent of a bank- even prepared to handle a sudden rush of interest from a nation full of college football fans looking to ditch their current bailout-dependent banking options? It's the kind of brazen optimism show by the SDCCU in sponsoring this bowl that assures me this is going to be a fantastic game of football.
The Prediction: TCU- 49 Boise State- 47 (3OT)
On that upbeat note, I will leave you until the next round of bowl games are about to start on Christmas Eve. Don't worry the Buckerine will return with more Arbitrary Bowl Predictions.
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