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| Above: The class portrait of the first graduating class of Oregon State University. Yep, that's all 3 of 'em. Every alumni association has to start somewhere I suppose. |
For the last few college football seasons, I have spared my blog audience from my foolish attempts to predict game results based on an entirely arbitrary criterion. The concept usually gave me something fun to research and write about, and I hoped to give people fun conversation fodder when discussing the bowl games during the holiday season. However, I didn't feel the same spark of inspiration when I returned to the concept after my first three attempts. None of my methods for comparing the two teams in a bowl game seemed interesting or amusing. Maybe the concept had gotten a little too stale for me to enjoy it as I had before. Readers may find it cute when I acted as though a game's outcome can be divined by studying the schools' fight songs, but if I did the same thing with alma maters that would just look ridiculous. Surely, I shouldn't force the gimmick if it would only be beating a dead horse (an act for which I have already been scolded by the organization, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal Corpses). So I shelved my quasi-annual Arbitrary Bowl Predictions thinking I might never return to them again.
Thankfully, I can announce that the muse has visited me once more. For this bowl season I have not just a new prediction method, but a new gimmick to mix things up a little. Finally, I feel engaged again and I hope the predictions that follow reflect the energy and excitement I get from the college football postseason.
In keeping with earlier versions of this feature, I will
As an added feature this year I shall include several fake bowl games. I created a few extra bowl games, in part to satirize the overwhelming number of underwhelming games that now take place under the once respectable auspices of the bowl season. Also, I thought it would be a fun challenge for any readers to try to tell the true from the false without consulting a bowl schedule. I invite you to place your guesses on which are the fake bowl games in the comments section.
With the set up covered, let's predict some games . . . ARBITRARILY!!!!!
New Mexico Bowl- 2pm 12/17/2011
University Stadium, Albuquerque NM
Temple Owls (-6) vs. Wyoming Cowboys
The Alumni:
 |
| Bill Cosby |
VS.
 |
| Dick Cheney |
Our lead-off match gives us a great start to these alumni comparisons. You would have to search long and hard to find two people with more disparate reputations than Bill Cosby, former Temple student, and Dick Cheney, Wyoming Class of 1965. For a generation of Americans, Bill Cosby represents the ideal of loving fatherhood, and millions more know him as a legendary comedian and entertainer. Former Vice-President of the United States Dick Cheney gained a popular image as a ruthless, perhaps Machiavellian, politician. He left office with eighty-seven percent of the country not approving of his performance and will perhaps be remembered for shooting a friend in the face. Whatever the final score, I imagine any match-up between universities that could produce these two men will be a brutal clash of styles.
The Prediction: The Wyoming Cowboys will come out very aggressively playing a sort of maximalist football reminiscent of Dick Cheney's politics. Temple will have a softer approach, as non-threatening as Cosby's stand-up routines and sitcoms, but they will build successive drives off of each other to eventually outlast their opponent and win the day.
Temple- 28 Wyoming- 24
Idaho Potato Bowl- 5:30pm 12/17/2011
Broncos Stadium, Boise ID
Utah State Aggies (-2) vs. Ohio Bobcats
The Alumni:
 |
| Merlin Olsen |
VS.
 |
| Roger Ailes |
The two representatives selected for this bowl game both have a legacy as figures in the media. That may be short service to the memory of Merlin Olsen, Utah State class of 1962, who actually was a Hall of Fame football player before becoming an actor and sports broadcast personality. Similarly, Roger Ailes, Ohio University class of 1962, is most notorious for his editorial opinions that seem to be reflected in the FOX News channel that he runs, but he deserves more attention than he gets for crafting a cable news network into such a successful business. Roger Ailes has become a polemic figure in American media culture, to some representing what's wrong with modern corporate journalism and to others a man who has provided a response or the liberal bias many see in the media industry. Merlin Olsen has a much cheerier legacy as a friendly face we saw on TV either during NFL games or as Michael Landon's buddy on Little House on the Prairie. The warm regard Olsen is held in bodes well for the Aggies.
(I could have gone with a left vs. right political show-down here by selecting Democratic Senator Harry Reid for Utah State, but he's more associated with the state of Nevada. Also I liked pitting a powerful but controversial personality against a marginal media figure with a positive reputation.)
The Prediction: As Olsen defined his football career with outstanding play on the defensive line, look for Utah State to dominate the game when they're on defense. Also look for the Aggies to get more favorable calls from the officials maybe even some that seem highly questionable. Ohio will look great at times, but also become their own worst enemy at other points. Ailes has a habit of making public statements that cause trouble, which could be reflected in the Bobcats self-destructing during the game.
Utah State- 31 Ohio- 16
New Orleans Bowl- 9pm 12/17/2011
Superdome, New Orleans LA
San Diego State Aztecs (-4.5) vs. University of Louisiana- Lafayette Rajin' Cajuns
The Alumni:
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| Carl Weathers |
 | ||||||
| Ali Landry |
The Prediction: This will definitely turn into a back and forth shoot-out. Both offenses will be hot all game long. Look for the decisive play to come late in the game when San Diego State makes a great play on special teams. I can't guarantee this, but I think the Aztecs will block the game tying field goal attempt as time expires.
San Diego State- 45 Lousiana-Lafayette-42
Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl- 8pm 12/20/2011
Tropicana Field, St. Petersburg FL
Florida Internation Golden Panters (-5) vs. Marshal Thundering Herd
The Alumni:
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| Actor Andy Garcia (photo:D. Shankbone) |
VS.
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| Senator Robert Byrd (with an unidentified mountain fiddle enthusiast) |
Honestly, this doesn't look like much of contest. Sadly for Florida International University, they haven't really established many notable alumni. I selected famed actor Andy Garcia because his Cuban-American heritage and South Florida roots seem to represent the spirit of FIU well. He faces a daunting task though, because lining up on the other side of the field is the longest serving member of the United States Congress. Robert Byrd has an enviable record of accomplishments including an actual record of his fiddle music that somebody released. Half the public works in his home state of West Virginia bear Senator Byrd legislative fingerprints, and he came to be one of the world's leading experts on the history of senates. This is on top of being a Senate Majority leader and spending his last 20 years alive frequently in a position of being "three heartbeats away" from becoming the President of the United States. In short this doesn't look good for the Golden Panthers.
(I just want to add that this bowl game's title bothers me more than any other. Yes there are several bowl games named for sill sounding sponsors, but what bugs me about this one is the "O" in the middle. Why does it have punctuation on both sides? Are those single quotes? An apostrophe and it's mirror universe equivalent? What is going on with that "O"?)
The Prediction- This game is a route through and through. Don't worry if you fall asleep in front of the TV. You won't miss anything interesting.
Marshall- 33 FIU-7
Hospitality Bowl- 7pm 12/21/2011
Johnson Hagood Stadium, Charleston SC
Ball State Cardinals (-3) vs. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers
The Alumni:
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| David Letterman |
VS.
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| Duncan Hines |
Late night talk show host David Letterman has never made a secret of his Indiana roots. He even makes joking references to the Ball State Cardinals typically lousy performance in athletics. Ball State is looking to win their first bowl game in school history and with a major TV star on their side they may have a good chance. Good thing for Western Kentucky that they can claim a former student who has brought just as much pleasure to Americans if not more than Letterman. You probably recognize the name Duncan Hines from the line of cake mixes and other baked goods that were named for him. What you may not know is that the man himself was at one time the People's Guide to dining on the road. Hines was a traveling salesman who became a widely popular reviewer of restaurants back in the days before nationwide chains and Zagat guides. His recommendation brought respectability to an otherwise anonymous roadside diner. The credibility he established as a judge of food allowed he and some business partners to launch a line of food products. Plus, as far as I know he never lost a ratings war with Jay Leno.
The Prediction: The Cardinals will look pretty strong to start and will project a confident cheerful attitude. Then when WKU works their way back into the game with a few big plays, look for Ball State to become much more pessimistic as though they have had to suffer through major heart surgery and a sexual harassment scandal. In the end the Hilltoppers will find a second life using a new offensive scheme in the second half and score late to go ahead and eventually win.
Western Kentucky- 28 Ball State-27
Poinsettia Bowl- 8pm 12/21/2011
Qualcomm Stadium, San Diego CA
Texas Christian Horned Frogs (-12.5) vs. Louisiana Tech Bulldogs
The Alumni:
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| Sammy Baugh |
VS.
 | |
| Terry Bradshaw |
While most of the alumni I selected never played football for their respective universities, the two schools playing in the Poinsettia Bowl both have iconic quarterbacks to their credit. Terry Bradshaw has been a very public persona as football commentator and occasional actor. Naturally many people alive today know that he won four Super Bowls -twice the game MVP- with the legendary Pittsburgh Steelers dynasty of the 1970's. Sammy Baugh fell out of limelight long ago. He had his glory days in the 1930's and 40's. Though his glory days where a key chapter in the history of football. As a multi-position star at TCU then in the NFL Baugh helped to evolve the quarterback position by using the forward pass as a reliably effective part of an offense. His legacy can be seen in all of football, not just on some Sunday NFL pregame show, which means the Horned Frogs a sizeable advantage.
The Prediction: In most other games, against most other opponents the Bulldogs might be respectable in their performance. They could probably beat several other teams in bowls this year. However against TCU they are going to get their clocks cleaned.
TCU- 48 Louisiana Tech-17
MAACO Bowl- 8pm 12/22/2011
Sam Boyd Stadium, Las Vegas NV
Boise State Broncos (-13.5) vs. Arizona State Sun Devils
The Alumni:
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 |
| Idaho Governor Butch Otter |
VS.
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| Corporal Pat Tillman |
This was a tough one for me to write up. First I had to struggle with who should represent Boise State. The folks from Idaho may be sad to hear this, but the most well-known person to receive a degree from Boise St. is almost certainly Tera Patrick a star of *ahem* adult entertainments. Though when I thought about including her I just felt uncomfortable saying that she was the most impressive graduate, when plenty of people who went to Boise St. found work doing things you can talk about with polite company. So I settled on the current governor of Idaho, Butch Otter. I mean, he has a pretty rocking name, right? So when I pitted Gov. Otter against the ASU representative, famed football player turned solder Pat Tillman the comparison just felt one sided. It was as if Boise State had their Glock replaced with a Ginsu just before the gun fight. I don't mean to disparage Butch, but Tillman has become the most well-known face of courage and sacrifice for the War on Terror. So I am not expecting a great game here.
The Prediction: Watch out for some virulent disease or terrible pregame injury to knock out some key players for the Broncos. They well present as good a game as they can, but the Sun Devils will have more talent and psychological advantage. Arizona State will sense the weakness in Boise State and steel their wills to force a victory.
Arizona State- 20 Boise State- 16
That's all the games I have time for now. Come back for Part 2.
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