2011 Arbirtrary Bowl Predictions: Alumni Face-Off Part 3

Above the graduation picture of the Princeton Class of 1879. Among that group was a future Congressman, a Supreme Court Justice, and a U.S. President, but not one notable football player.

Now that we have reached the midsection of this bowl season preview, I feel comfortable dispensing with the pleasantries. If you need more information about how this set of arbitrary predictions work, I invite you to visit my earlier posts in this series. I will try to make this brief since we have a lot of bowls concentrated before the New Year. So prepare yourself for a load of college football and a whole mess of alumni.

Armed Forces Bowl- 12pm 12/30/2011
Gerald J. Ford Stadium, University Park TX
Brigham Young Cougars (-1.5) vs. Tulsa Golden Hurricane
The Alumni:

Jeopardy!-Champion Ken Jennings

VS.

Author S. E. Hinton

As the largest religious university in the United States, Brigham Young has had a plethora of notable graduates. Contrast that with Tulsa, which has one sentence written under the section for "Alumni" on its Wikipedia page, "This section requires expansion." Still Tulsa produced S. E. Hinton who wrote novels like The Outsiders and That Was Then, This Is Now which every moody kid reads at some point growing up. Of all the BYU alumni, I chose Kenn Jennings because I am a trivia nerd just like he is. My second choice was Mitt Romney. (Man, will that guy every finish in 1st place?!) 

The Prediction: I am getting visions of a face paced game with some pretty good offensive showings. The Cougars will have the craftier game plan and pile on the points just like Jennings built up insurmountable leads during his game show run.
BYU- 41 Tulsa- 31

Pinstripe Bowl- 3:20pm 12/30/2011
Yankee Stadium, New York NY
Rutgers Scarlet Knights (-2.5) vs. Iowa State Cyclones
The Alumni:

Toni Morrison

VS.

George Washington Carver

Comparing these two, comes down to a choice between comparing the full range of contributions they made to American life, or comparing the pigeonholes they have been forced into. Carver will forever be known as the man who invented peanut butter. A legacy that is both factually incorrect and ignorant of the sweeping contributions he made to agricultural life for poor Americans. Morrison is probably best known as Oprah's favorite author, but that doesn't do justice to the last American to earn the Nobel Prize for literature. Carver did more overall, but Morrison is at least known for work she actually did.

The Prediction: This game will start as an even match, low scoring and slow going. At some point in the second half, a blown call will give the Cyclones the lead. It will change the momentum of the game, but their margin of victory will be much larger, diminishing the importance of that one play.
Iowa State- 31 Rutgers- 20

Fandango Bowl- 5pm 12/30/2011
Angel Stadium, Anaheim CA
Hawai'i Warriors vs. Southern California Trojans (-12)
The Alumni:

Bette Middler

VS.

George Lucas

 It only makes sense that the game once known as the Hollywood Bowl, should feature some serious star power in the alumni. George Lucas remains one of the most famous and successful film directors ever. He has created a multibillion dollar multimedia empire out of the Star Wars franchise, even if you and everyone you know hated the prequels. The Divine Miss M may not seem very Hawaiian in appearance or manner, but she has had the most celebrated life of anyone to attend the University of Hawai'i. This is a difficult choice for me between one of my favorite singers and the creator of one of my favorite movies.  

The Prediction: Much like Lucas, USC will open huge racking up lots of points early only to collapse in the second half (RE: the aforementioned prequels). Much like Middler, the Warriors will triumph because of their durability and staying power, allowing them to sneak a victory out of a late score.
Hawai'i- 35 USC- 34

Music City Bowl- 6:40pm 12/30/2011
LP Field, Nashville TN
Mississippi State Bulldogs (-7) vs. Wake Forest Demon Deacons
The Alumni:

John Grisham (photo by S. Brenner)

VS.

Tim Duncan

If you could pick to have the life of either of these famous alumni, you couldn't make a bad selection. You could be the author of novels that made courtroom drama secy again and sold roughly 3.7 billion copies. Or you could be the greatest power forward in basketball history. (Yeah, that's right! You heard me Karl Malone.) They are both insanely rich, and being a 4 time NBA champion is probably about equal to having 11 movies and 2 TV shows adapted from your work. Still I have to give the slight edge to Duncan, because I think it would be pretty cool to be seven feet tall.

The Prediction: This will turn into one of the best bowl games of the 2011, with both teams executing sharply. They will both look impressive, and the deciding factor will be Wake Forest taking over in the trenches. This will give them the edge in the running game, which will allow them to control the clock and turn a narrow lead into a bowl game win.
Wake Forest- 24  Mississippi State- 20

Insight Bowl- 10pm 12/30/2011
Sun Devil Stadium, Tempe AZ
Iowa Hawkeyes vs. Oklahoma Sooners (-16)
The Alumni:

Nile Kinnick

VS.

Billy Sims featured on a Sports Illustrated cover

Two football greats were selected for this contest, because I appreciate what each of them represent. Billy Sims was the living embodiment of the Sooners' glory years. He was a powerful running back who dominated games. He remains a great representative for Oklahoma. After winning the Heisman Trophy himself, he always tries to start a "Boomer! Sooner!" chat at the presentation ceremony whenever a fellow Sooner wins the award. Kinnick was a terrific quarterback, and by all accounts one heckuva human being. When he won the Heisman he gave a fondly remembered speech noting the terrors of World War II, which was noteworthy because the United States hadn't yet entered the war. He would die not long after in an accident while serving in the military. Every time they flip a coin before a Big Ten football game, that coin bears Kinnick's image. Now that is a tribute I would love to earn.

The Prediction: The omens show a faltering Oklahoma team that will have to rely on the run to carry their offense. I foresee Iowa racking up lots of passing yards, but not a lot of points. The game will go to overtime and the Hawkeyes will win the toss allowing them to hold OU to a field goal before scoring a winning touchdown.
Iowa- 29 Oklahoma- 26 (OT)

Meineke Car Care Bowl- 12pm 12/31/2011
Reliant Stadium, Houston TX
Texas A&M Aggies (-11) vs. Northwestern Wildcats
The Alumni:

Neal Boortz (photo by E. Saulsberry)

VS.

Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A.

To set up an entertaining pairing, I skewed my selection criteria a bit. Loads of notable folks graduated from Northwestern, and I bet there have been Aggies more interesting than Neal Boortz -not that I could find any, but I assume they're out there somewhere. I just enjoyed the theater of pitting someone who has earned a living as an outspoken conservative pundit, and someone who has earned a living pretending to be an outspoken conservative pundit. Colbert may have a larger cult following, but I think for the purposes of predicting this game I have to favor the genuine article over the imitation.

The Prediction: The Aggies demonstrate a clear talent advantage in this game, and maximize that advantage. They grind out a convincing, if not especially pretty, victory.
Texas A&M- 24 Northwestern- 10

Sun Bowl- 2pm 12/31/2011
Sun Bowl, El Paso TX
Utah Utes vs. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-3.5)
The Alumni:

J.Willard Marriott

VS.

Jeff Foxworthy

Between these two alumni there can be no doubt who has had more success -at least measure monetarily. However, I cannot give the edge to Marriott, despite no matter how many billions of dollars his hotel chains are worth. I spent my wedding night in a Marriott hotel, and I have determined that the accommodations must have been to blame for my, um, disappointing performance. You can ridicule Foxworthy for milking the redneck comedy angle for all he could get. I just know I have never felt impotent frustration after listening to his jokes.

The Prediction: I foresee the Utes hurting their chances several times with costly blunders. Georgia Tech will seem to depend to heavily on basic run plays, but they will get enough big plays to win.
Georgia Tech- 24 Utah- 16

Fight Hunger Bowl- 3:30pm 12/31/2011
AT&T Park, San Fransisco CA
UCLA Bruins vs. Illinois Fighting Illini (-1.5)
The Alumni:

Dr. Maulana Karenga (center) celebrating Kwanza

VS.

Dan Savage

Since this bowl is organized around a philanthropic purpose, I thought it appropriate to select alumni who have made an impact by trying to improve the lives of others. Dr. Maulana Karenga may not be a household name, but he founded Kwanza. Plenty of people mock Kwanza as an artificial celebration. After trying to turn the Michigan-Ohio State game into a national holiday, I can assure you that founding a new holiday is a hard thing to do. Savage has also had a tremendous influence on others by starting the It Gets Better project, which tries to comfort young people suffering bullying and persecution. As a former teacher, I know how important it can be to reach out to a young teenager before tragedy strikes. Overall, I feel inclined to favor the person who founded the holiday during which this bowl game will take place.

The Prediction: You should expect a real defensive slugfest. Both teams will play with great spirit and show terrific unit cohesion in all aspects of the game. They will protect their goal lines with their lives, but I expect the Bruins to force at least one touchdown to seal their margin of victory.
UCLA- 16 Illinois- 12

Liberty Bowl- 3:30pm 12/31/2011
Liberty Bowl, Memphis TN
Cincinnati Bearcats vs. Vanderbilt Commodores (-2)
The Alumni:

Sandy Koufax

VS.

James Patterson

We have a contest between quality and quantity in this match-up. The Bearcats have one of history's greatest baseball pitchers representing them, but he had to retire before he turned 32. Patterson has produced so many popular novel, he should just add "#1 New York Times Best Seller" to the end of his name. Too bad for him, that most literary critics consider his work dreck, and he has been accused of coasting on his co-authors' abilities. 

The Prediction: I predict a lot of yards by Vanderbilt, but not a lot of points. They will run the ball a lot and dominate the time of possession. The Bearcats will stall at times, but they will make a few home run plays to score enough to win.
Cincinnati- 21 Vanderbilt- 15

Chick-fil-A Bowl- 7:30pm 12/31/2011
Georgia Dome, Atlanta GA
Virginia Cavaliers vs. Auburn Tigers (-1.5)
The Alumni:

Tina Fey (with donuts)

VS.

Charles Barkley (photo by S. Lipofsky)

Two very entertaining figures as the chosen alumni indicate a very entertaining game. Both Barkley and Fey actually have gotten better with time. After leaving Saturday Night Live Fey created the award winning show 30 Rock. After capping a great basketball career, Barkley became a legend as an commentator on TV. Oddly even Barkley's scandals have only endeared him more to the public.

The Prediction: This game will  start slow but get better as it goes. Scoring will keep increasing until the 4th quarter. I predict the final margin will come when Auburn makes a risky play that looks like it will cost them, only to have it unexpectedly pay off with a late touchdown.
Auburn- 34 Virginia- 31

Happy New Year, and I'll see you all back here for Part 4.

2011 Arbitrary Bowl Predictions: Alumni Face-Off Part 2

The 1910 Missouri Tigers football team were just a small fraction of the alumni considered for this piece.

Just as it sometimes snows in July and whales occasionally try to swim onto a beach, so too, can my readers rely on me to put out a new set of college football predictions every third or fourth bowl season. For this edition, I have once again chosen to forecast the outcome of football games by analyzing topics that have no connection whatsoever to the act of playing football. This year I start by selecting a representative alumni from each school involved then comparing them. This allows me to project the course of the game and the final result through a process that combines thoughtful contemplation and random guesswork. If you want a more detailed explanation -note I didn't promise anything more coherent just more detailed- check out my first set of predictions from this series.

To make this a little more interactive I have added several fake bowl games into my write-ups. I invite my readers to take a guess at which bowl games are fraudulent in the comments section. So try to stay alert for signs of deceit as you read my second round of arbitrary bowl predictions for 2011.


Hawai'i Bowl- 8pm 12/24/2011
Aloha Stadium, Honolulu HI
Nevada-Reno Wolf Pack vs. Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles (-5.5)
The Alumni:

Chris Ault

VS.

Brett Favre (Please don't sue me for using a fan's picture that includes the Packers' logo)

When picking the alumni for comparisons, I prefer to avoid football figures, as that seems a little close to non-arbitrary analysis. In this case though the football programs have produced some clear standouts, though for some pretty different reasons. Chris Ault played quarterback for the Wolf Pack back when LBJ was president. Since then he rose to become the head football coach at his alma mater, retired, returned to the head coach position, retired again, and become head coach for a third time. This has earned him a reputation for loyalty to Nevada. His official bio released by the university says, "Simply put, Chris Ault is University of Nevada football". It also makes him the only active Division I football coach who is already in the College Football Hall of Fame. Brett Favre could at one time claim a similarly positive reputation. I even argued once that he was the most beloved figure in American sport. As a former Southern Miss quarterback who became a huge success leading the Green Bay Packers, Favre was a living legend in the minds of most football fans. Now his legacy may well be permanently tarnished by some -oh, let's say "controversial" moves at the end of his career. A fall from grace by their most famous alumnus indicates serious trouble for the Golden Eagles. 

The Prediction: Much like The Gunslinger Favre, the Golden Eagles will come out throwing the ball deep in a wide open attack. The Wolf Back will fall behind early and struggle to catch-up, only to have Southern Miss reclaim the lead every time. In the closing moments of the game watch for Southern Miss to give up a costly turnover -another hallmark of the Brett Favre quarterback experience- allowing the tenacious Wolf Pack to make the final clinching score.
Nevada- 34 Southern Miss- 31

Independence Bowl- 5pm 12/26/2011
Independence Bowl, Shreveport LA
North Carolin Tar Heels vs. Missouri Tigers (-3.5)
The Alumni:

Michael Jordan (photo by S.Lipofsky)

VS.

Sam Walton pictured on the cover of his autobiography

We have about thirty more bowl games to cover, and I doubt any of the other match-ups will include two alumni who both succeeded in their respective fields as much as these two. I can only hope that the actual game turns into the kind of high-powered slug fest alumni like these deserve. Let me try to explain how good these guys are. Picking the greatest graduate of UNC came down to, former President of the United States James K. Polk or a man who's biography on the NBA website starts by proclaiming, "By acclamation, Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time". Then I remembered this person would be representing the Tar Heels and that anyone who didn't play basketball couldn't make the cut. As good as Jordan was is at basketball, Sam Walton might have been even better as a retailer. Walton founded the retail chain Walmart, which has grown to bring in more revenues than any other company in the world. We can mock the Walmart culture as much as we please. It won't change the fact that Walton's surviving errors have as much wealth as the poorest 30% of Americans combined.

The Prediction: This contest will pit contrasting styles against each other. The Tar Heels will use a wide-open offense designed to make big plays, but prone to stalling. The Tigers will focus on an efficient West Coast-style attack that won't look flashy but will keep gathering up yards. Mizzou should dominate time of possession, getting a big share of the clock just like Sam Walton got a big share of the wealth. This will ultimately leave UNC with too little time to comeback as they desperately try to put together a final touchdown drive.
Missouri- 34 UNC- 26   

Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl- 4:30pm 12/27/2011
Ford Field, Detroit MI
Western Michigan Broncos (-1) vs. Purdue Boilermakers
The Alumni:

Bruce Campbell and his chin

VS.

Neil Armstrong (photo by Buzz Aldrin)

This should be an obvious one-sided bout. You have a hammy actor against the first person to set foot on something other than planet Earth. One of these guys is known for starring in B-movies and cult TV shows, and the other once had 93% of the country watching him. Armstrong's name is enshrined on the Moon and Campbell can't even get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And yet . . .  Please, just bear with me here. I know Neil Armstrong has been a hero to millions of people, but Bruce Campbell was my hero when I was young. I loved watching The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. when I was a kid. If you've ever seen Bubba Ho-Tep then you should realize just how fun it can be to watch Bruce Campbell take over a movie. And that chin. My God, that chin. If there's anything I've learned from every romantic comedy ever, it's that sometimes you have to go with your heart, and my hear belongs to Bruce Campbell.

The Prediction: My power of foresight see Purdue having this game completely in hand. There will be every reason to believe that they will walk to victory. Until disaster strikes that is. I can't be sure if it will be a game-breaking turnover, a costly error, or a devastating injury. I just know one moment in the game will allow WMU to seize the momentum and snatch a victory by the narrowest of margins.
Western Michigan- 22 Purdue- 21

Belk Bowl- 8pm 12/27/2011
Bank of America Stadium, Charlotte NC
Louisville Cardinals vs. North Carolina State Wolfpack (-2.5)
The Alumni:

Sue Grafton

VS.

John Tesh

The face-off between these two school will take place in the arena of Arts & Letters. When a best-selling author squares-off against a TV personality turned adult contemporary rock star, you can trust that mediocre football is on the way. Both Grafton and Tesh have been highly popular in their respective fields despite the fact that you may well have never read any of her books or listened to any of his albums. They are like the CBS prime time line-up in that respect. While I do have great admiration for Sue Grafton's success selling mystery novels about a female detective in alphabetical order, I have to tilt in favor of John Tesh. I do so solely on the basis of the fact that he composed a totally kicking theme song for NBC's coverage of the NBA.  

The Prediction: In a pretty ugly game, both teams will make you openly question why either of them deserve a chance at post-season play. The signs point to lots of penalties, lots of three-and-outs, and at least a few moments where the head referee starts to announce a ruling, then pauses, turns off his microphone, consults with the other officials, and comes back to announce the exact opposite. It will all hinge on a big play by NC State that accounts for the margin of victory. Though something makes me think the only exciting play will happen early leaving us to sit through three quarter of mostly dull football.
NC State- 17 Louisville- 10 

SunTrust Bank Bowl- 1pm 12/28/2011
Bright House Networks Stadium, Orlando FL
University of Miami Hurricanes (-7.5) vs. Eastern Michigan Eagles
The Alumni:

Drew Rosenhaus

VS.

J. H. Kellogg

Not everyone who sets out to serve others earns a respectable legacy, as proven by the lives of these two alumni. Because "Da U" is best known for its football program and all of the high profile players it has produced, I felt compelled to select an athlete. However with so many Hurricanes who became football greats and outspoken personalities, it was hard to pick just one. So I went with someone who has made a (very, very good) living as the voice for the modern sports star, super-agent Drew Rosenhaus. Like the players he represents, he has a reputation as a winner. Also like modern athletes, the public considers him an over-entitled diva who acts like a child when he can't get his way. No matter how much money he earns his clients, he will always be thought of as a joke. In a similar way, John Harvey Kellogg will probably be remembered as a quack doctor despite his sincere efforts to promote healthy living. Kellogg attended Michigan State Normal School for a time in 1872 before he went on to earn a medical degree and the Normal School became Eastern Michigan University. He became a popular advocate of the "wellness" movement of the 19th century, and tried to spread practices he thought would improve the quality of life for many people. Sadly for him, his legacy as a medical practitioner has been defined by his advocacy of enemas and his efforts to prevent masturbation. On the bright side the memory of his eccentricities pales in comparison to his much more popular legacy, the invention of corn flakes. Yes, he is that Kellogg. 

The Prediction: My prognostication holds that the Hurricanes will have the superior game plan, but be constantly foiled by penalties and unforced errors. The Eagles will look out of sorts for most of the play, trying to rely on trick plays and gimmicks that fail more often than they succeed. A few plays will break for EMU though to give them a win.
Eastern Michigan- 17 U. Miami- 16 

Military Bowl- 4:30pm 12/28/2011
RFK Stadium, Washington, DC
Toledo Rockets (-1) vs. Air Force Falcons
The Alumni:

The most famous invention of Fred Baur

VS.

Gregg Popovich

I'll start by acknowledging that lots of accomplished people graduated from the Air Force Academy, including astronauts, war heroes, and business executives. For me though, the most interesting alumnus was Gregg Popovich a four-time NBA champion coach with the third-best career winning percentage of any NBA coach. The most interesting graduate of Toledo was Fredric J. Baur, an organic chemist and food storage technician (I know I keep picking alumni from "sexy" professions, I'll try to be more diverse in the future). Growing up in Ohio, I remember representatives of Toledo's College of Engineering visiting my science classes and trying to convince us to study science there. That experience left me with a lifelong association between the University of Toledo and the kind of scientific achievement Fred Baur represents. (It also taught me the dark secret of the Mystery Flavor Dum Dum Pop.) Baur invented the Pringles can allowing millions of people to finally enjoy chips out of a tube. He was so proud of this that he asked for his remains to be buried in a Pringles container. He designed a popular food storage packaging system that could also serve as an urn. Now that is cool!

The Prediction: In a game defined by a defensively minded basketball coach and a scientist who protected food, I see a lot of defense. Look for Toledo to seal off their goal line like an airtight canister, and do just enough on offense to win.

Toledo- 13 Air Force- 9

Holiday Bowl- 8pm 12/28/2011
Qualcomm Stadium, San Diego CA
California Golden Bears vs.Texas Longhorns (-3)
The Alumni:

Chief Justice of the United States Earl Warren

VS.

Supreme newsman Walter Cronkite (photo from NASA)

They should rename this the Respectability Bowl on the basis of these two alumni. Earl Warren was elected governor of California three times before becoming one of the most influential Chief Justices in the history of the U.S. Supreme Court. Walter Cronkite was the most trusted TV news anchor in America for decades. You could orbit a planet around the gravitas these men radiated. I think I have to give the edge to Texas, because so many people took issue with the Warren Commission report on the Kennedy assassination.

The Prediction: We should see a real barnburner here. I forecast lots of back-and-forth scoring as two sharp offenses keep putting together successful drives. The tide will come when the Cal defense starts to grow wearing and Texas takes control in the 4th quarter. The Longhorns will secure the lead and burn out the clock.
Texas- 42 California 38 

Champs Sports Bowl- 5:30pm 12/29/2011
Citrus Bowl, Orlando FL
Florida State Seminoles (-2.5) vs. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
The Alumni:

Lee Corso

VS.

Regis Philbin

Selecting the representative alumni for this comparison came down to the fact that I have a soft spot in my heart for irascible old men. Lee Corso stood out among other FSU grads for a couple of reasons (and I seriously considered picking former attending Hunter S. Thompson, but he dropped out and Corso got his degree). First Corso has a great back-story tied to his FSU days. He played for the football team and at one time held the school record for career interception. Plus he was Burt Reynolds roomate! Also, I like that as a TV personality Corso brings the same kind of flashy grandiose style to discussing college football that the Seminoles seem to bring to playing it. While Regis Philbin may not have been the most accomplished person to attend the University of Notre Dame, I believe he has become the visible. During his run on Live! he made a regular point of discussing the fortunes of his beloved Irish. At one point I suggested he could be the best recruiter for Notre Dame with his celebrity status and undying passion. So I have to figure his team will do well in this game.

The Prediction: These two teams will play very similar styles of football in this game. They will rely on the pass, try to bend but not break on defense, and make occasional costly errors. I predict Notre Dame will have a little more success and ride smoothly to triumph.
Notre Dame- 27 Florida State- 20 

Alamo Bowl- 9pm 12/29/2011
Alamodome, San Antonio TX
Washington Huskies vs Baylor Bears (-10)
The Alumni:

Famed Artist Dale Chihuly

VS.

Willie Nelson

A face-off between two very creative alumni indicates some exciting things in the bowl itself. Washington lays claim to the most successful glass blowing artist every Dale Chihuly. Even if you don't recognize the man or the name (though he certainly does look a lot like a heavy Rooster Cogburn) you have probably seen his colorful curved glass sculptures decorating some room you've been in. Willie Nelson is of course a legend of country music. He attended Baylor only to drop out to deal with his personal life, but I have dubbed him an alumnus because he has been known to wear Baylor gear while performing. He has had an incredible career all his own, but he also wrote songs for others. The biggest jukebox hit of all time, Patsy Cline's "Crazy", was actually penned by Nelson. So he brings more than enough firepower to take out Chihuly.

The Prediction: You can expect lots and lots of points in this game. I expect creative game plans from both teams and exciting play from start to finish. The whole way through though it will be clear that Baylor has it well in hand.
Baylor- 56 Washington- 44 

Please use these insights into the future responsibly, and enjoy your holiday season. Oh, and be sure to return again for Part 3. 

2011 Arbitrary Bowl Predicitions: Alumni Face-Off Part 1

Above: The class portrait of the first graduating class of Oregon State University. Yep, that's all 3 of  'em. Every alumni association has to start somewhere I suppose.

For the last few college football seasons, I have spared my blog audience from my foolish attempts to predict game results based on an entirely arbitrary criterion. The concept usually gave me something fun to research and write about, and I hoped to give people fun conversation fodder when discussing the bowl games during the holiday season. However, I didn't feel the same spark of inspiration when I returned to the concept after my first three attempts. None of my methods for comparing the two teams in a bowl game seemed interesting or amusing. Maybe the concept had gotten a little too stale for me to enjoy it as I had before. Readers may find it cute when I acted as though a game's outcome can be divined by studying the schools' fight songs, but if I did the same thing with alma maters that would just look ridiculous. Surely, I shouldn't force the gimmick if it would only be beating a dead horse (an act for which I have already been scolded by the organization, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal Corpses). So I shelved my quasi-annual Arbitrary Bowl Predictions thinking I might never return to them again.

Thankfully, I can announce that the muse has visited me once more. For this bowl season I have not just a new prediction method, but a new gimmick to mix things up a little.  Finally, I feel engaged again and I hope the predictions that follow reflect the energy and excitement I get from the college football postseason.

In keeping with earlier versions of this feature, I will guess forecast the outcome of each bowl game based on a careful analysis of something only tangentially related to the two football teams (and completely unrelated to the teams' relevant abilities at, y'know, playing football). This season I have decided to compare the institutions represented by these football teams on the basis of the one alumnus I consider most impressive. These will usually not be former football players (so as to avoid any chance of looking like a comparison of the football programs history) and may sometimes be folks you never associated with the given school before. All representative alumni are selected solely on my mercurial preferences, and may not be graduates in all cases. Sometimes I may pick a former attendee over actual degree holders if I find a person sufficiently meritorious. The two alumni will then be compared to determine how the game will be played and who shall triumph (and, just as importantly for all you degenerate gamblers, if the favorite can cover the point spread ). 

As an added feature this year I shall include several fake bowl games. I created a few extra bowl games, in part to satirize the overwhelming number of underwhelming games that now take place under the once respectable auspices of the bowl season. Also, I thought it would be a fun challenge for any readers to try to tell the true from the false without consulting a bowl schedule. I invite you to place your guesses on which are the fake bowl games in the comments section.

With the set up covered, let's predict some games . . . ARBITRARILY!!!!!


New Mexico Bowl- 2pm 12/17/2011
University Stadium, Albuquerque NM
Temple Owls (-6) vs. Wyoming Cowboys
The Alumni:

Bill Cosby

VS.

Dick Cheney

Our lead-off match gives us a great start to these alumni comparisons. You would have to search long and hard to find two people with more disparate reputations than Bill Cosby, former Temple student, and Dick Cheney, Wyoming Class of 1965. For a generation of Americans, Bill Cosby represents the ideal of loving fatherhood, and millions more know him as a legendary comedian and entertainer. Former Vice-President of the United States Dick Cheney gained a popular image as a ruthless, perhaps Machiavellian,  politician. He left office with eighty-seven percent of the country not approving of his performance and will perhaps be remembered for shooting a friend in the face. Whatever the final score, I imagine any match-up between universities that could produce these two men will be a brutal clash of styles. 

The Prediction: The Wyoming Cowboys will come out very aggressively playing a sort of maximalist football reminiscent of Dick Cheney's politics. Temple will have a softer approach, as non-threatening as Cosby's stand-up routines and sitcoms, but they will build successive drives off of each other to eventually outlast their opponent and win the day.

Temple- 28 Wyoming- 24

Idaho Potato Bowl-  5:30pm 12/17/2011

Broncos Stadium, Boise ID

Utah State Aggies (-2) vs. Ohio Bobcats

The Alumni:

Merlin Olsen

VS.

Roger Ailes

The two representatives selected for this bowl game both have a legacy as figures in the media. That may be short service to the memory of Merlin Olsen, Utah State class of 1962, who actually was a Hall of Fame football player before becoming an actor and sports broadcast personality.  Similarly, Roger Ailes, Ohio University class of 1962, is most notorious for his editorial opinions that seem to be reflected in the FOX News channel that he runs, but he deserves more attention than he gets for crafting a cable news network into such a successful business. Roger Ailes has become a polemic figure in American media culture, to some representing what's wrong with modern corporate journalism and to others a man who has provided a response or the liberal bias many see in the media industry. Merlin Olsen has a much cheerier legacy as a friendly face we saw on TV either during NFL games or as Michael Landon's buddy on Little House on the Prairie. The warm regard Olsen is held in bodes well for the Aggies. 

(I could have gone with a left vs. right political show-down here by selecting Democratic Senator Harry Reid for Utah State, but he's more associated with the state of Nevada. Also I liked pitting a powerful but controversial personality against a marginal media figure with a positive reputation.)

The Prediction: As Olsen defined his football career with outstanding play on the defensive line, look for Utah State to dominate the game when they're on defense. Also look for the Aggies to get more favorable calls from the officials maybe even some that seem highly questionable. Ohio will look great at times, but also become their own worst enemy at other points. Ailes has a habit of making public statements that cause trouble, which could be reflected in the Bobcats self-destructing during the game.

Utah State- 31 Ohio- 16

New Orleans Bowl- 9pm 12/17/2011

Superdome, New Orleans LA

San Diego State Aztecs (-4.5) vs. University of Louisiana- Lafayette Rajin' Cajuns

The Alumni:

Carl Weathers

VS.

Ali Landry

We  get to enjoy some sizzling star power in the New Orleans Bowl between former Aztec linebacker Carl Weathers and former Miss USA Ali Landry. Both of them went on to careers as actors. Carl Weathers will forever be remembered by some as Apollo Creed from the Rocky  film series and by others as the hilarious has-been actor in Arrested Development. This kind of range indicates a multifaceted attach by the SDSU offense. Ali Landry has a different set of gift in that she obviously has great perseverance. She rose from pageant queen, to acting in commercials, to landing roles in movies and TV shows, until now she stars in projects. The tenacity of this actress gives me reason to expect that the Ragin' Cajuns will find a way to stick around in this game up to the very end.

The Prediction: This will definitely turn into a back and forth shoot-out. Both offenses will be hot all game long. Look for the decisive play to come late in the game when San Diego State makes a great play on special teams. I can't guarantee this, but I think the Aztecs will block the game tying  field goal attempt as time expires.

San Diego State- 45 Lousiana-Lafayette-42

Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl- 8pm 12/20/2011

Tropicana Field, St. Petersburg FL

Florida Internation Golden Panters (-5) vs. Marshal Thundering Herd

The Alumni:

Actor Andy Garcia (photo:D. Shankbone)

VS.

Senator Robert Byrd (with an unidentified mountain fiddle enthusiast)

Honestly, this doesn't look like much of contest. Sadly for Florida International University, they haven't really established many notable alumni. I selected famed actor Andy Garcia because his Cuban-American heritage and South Florida roots seem to represent the spirit of FIU well. He faces a daunting task though, because lining up on the other side of the field is the longest serving member of the United States Congress. Robert Byrd has an enviable record of accomplishments including an actual record of his fiddle music that somebody released. Half the public works in his home state of West Virginia bear Senator Byrd legislative fingerprints, and he came to be one of the world's leading experts on the history of senates. This is on top of being a Senate Majority leader and spending his last 20 years alive frequently in a position of being "three heartbeats away" from becoming the President of the United States. In short this doesn't look good for the Golden Panthers.

(I just want to add that this bowl game's title bothers me more than any other. Yes there are several bowl games named for sill sounding sponsors, but what bugs me about this one is the "O" in the middle. Why does it have punctuation on both sides? Are those single quotes? An apostrophe and it's mirror universe equivalent? What is going on with that "O"?)

The Prediction- This game is a route through and through. Don't worry if you fall asleep in front of the TV. You won't miss anything interesting.

Marshall- 33 FIU-7

Hospitality Bowl- 7pm 12/21/2011

Johnson Hagood Stadium, Charleston SC

Ball State Cardinals (-3) vs. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

The Alumni:

David Letterman

VS.

Duncan Hines

Late night talk show host David Letterman has never made a secret of his Indiana roots. He even makes joking references to the Ball State Cardinals typically lousy performance in athletics. Ball State is looking to win their first bowl game in school history and with a major TV star on their side they may have a good chance. Good thing for Western Kentucky that they can claim a former student who has brought just as much pleasure to Americans if not more than Letterman. You probably recognize the name Duncan Hines from the line of cake mixes and other baked goods that were named for him. What you may not know is that the man himself was at one time the People's Guide to dining on the road. Hines was a traveling salesman who became a widely popular reviewer of restaurants back in the days before nationwide chains and Zagat guides. His recommendation brought respectability to an otherwise anonymous roadside diner. The credibility he established as a judge of  food allowed he and some business partners to launch a line of food products. Plus, as far as I know he never lost a ratings war with Jay Leno.

The Prediction: The Cardinals will look pretty strong to start and will project a confident cheerful attitude. Then when WKU works their way back into the game with a few big plays, look for Ball State to become much more pessimistic as though they have had to suffer through major heart surgery and a sexual harassment scandal. In the end the Hilltoppers will find a second life using a new offensive scheme in the second half and score late to go ahead and eventually win.

Western Kentucky- 28 Ball State-27

Poinsettia Bowl- 8pm 12/21/2011

Qualcomm Stadium, San Diego CA

Texas Christian Horned Frogs (-12.5) vs. Louisiana Tech Bulldogs 

The Alumni:

Sammy Baugh

VS.

Terry Bradshaw

While most of the alumni I selected never played football for their respective universities, the two schools playing in the Poinsettia Bowl both have iconic quarterbacks to their credit. Terry Bradshaw has been a very public persona as football commentator and occasional actor. Naturally many people alive today know that he won four Super Bowls -twice the game MVP- with the legendary Pittsburgh Steelers dynasty of the 1970's. Sammy Baugh fell out of limelight long ago. He had his glory days in the 1930's and 40's. Though his glory days where a key chapter in the history of football. As a multi-position star at TCU then in the NFL Baugh helped to evolve the quarterback position by using the forward pass as a reliably effective part of an offense. His legacy can be seen in all of football, not just on some Sunday NFL pregame show, which means the Horned Frogs a sizeable advantage.

The Prediction: In most other games, against most other opponents the Bulldogs might be respectable in their performance. They could probably beat several other teams in bowls this year. However against TCU they are going to get their clocks cleaned.

TCU- 48 Louisiana Tech-17 

MAACO Bowl- 8pm 12/22/2011

Sam Boyd Stadium, Las Vegas NV

Boise State Broncos (-13.5) vs. Arizona State Sun Devils

The Alumni:

Tera Patrick Boise State Class of 1995

Idaho Governor Butch Otter

VS.

Corporal Pat Tillman

This was a tough one for me to write up. First I had to struggle with who should represent Boise State. The folks from Idaho may be sad to hear this, but the most well-known person to receive a degree from Boise St. is almost certainly Tera Patrick a star of *ahem* adult entertainments. Though when I thought about including her I just felt uncomfortable saying that she was the most impressive graduate, when plenty of people who went to Boise St. found work doing things you can talk about with polite company. So I settled on the current governor of Idaho, Butch Otter. I mean, he has a pretty rocking name, right? So when I pitted Gov. Otter against the ASU representative, famed football player turned solder Pat Tillman the comparison just felt one sided. It was as if Boise State had their Glock replaced with a Ginsu just before the gun fight. I don't mean to disparage Butch, but Tillman has become the most well-known face of courage and sacrifice for the War on Terror. So I am not expecting a great game here.

The Prediction: Watch out for some virulent disease or terrible pregame injury to knock out some key players for the Broncos. They well present as good a game as they can, but the Sun Devils will have more talent and psychological advantage. Arizona State will sense the weakness in Boise State and steel their wills to force a victory.

Arizona State- 20 Boise State- 16

That's  all the games I have time for now. Come back for Part 2.