Rolling out the Red Carpet- The Cap'n shares his early thoughts on the Oscars

Conventional wisdom and routine observation of human behaviour tells us that no social grouping, however small and elite, can exist that will not develop internally a sub-group that promotes a select few group members into a position of prominence over their peers. (Many can speculate on the exact cause of this phenomenon. I can only conclude that the pleasures of exclusion don't diminish with repetition.) We could all tell who the cool kids in school were.

This tendency arises even amongst the supposedly elite members of the other-worldly culture of the Hollywood film industry. Naturally Hollywood's select few do stand out from other social elites in one important aspect: their sub-group has a name and an awards show. In the end the Academy Awards and all Oscar-related madness reduces down to the cool kids giving out invitations to their big party. As much as cineastes like myself would love to see the Oscars truly becoming a ceremony for rewarding artistic achievement in film, we have to settle for the Oscars as they are. Certainly, the ceremony showcases the greatness in movie making. Usually though the awards go to those who have made mainstream films well-enough that the members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences want to be associated with them. Again think about the popular girl in school taking a sudden interest in the rising star of the basketball team. So in the end the Academy Awards tell us less about the honored films and more about the people handing out the accolades. Every golden trophy handed out helps define what kind of films the elites wish they were making, usually a combination of artistic accomplishment and commercial success. Imagine a room full of Hollywood elites socializing, what individuals and movies will they brag about having a hand in? Those are the people and pictures that walk away winners. One should never attempt to predict the Oscars without this rule at the front of their mind.

I tell you all this, because I am about to offer my own predictions about for the 81st Annual Academy Awards, and I have to earn your trust somehow. Now that all the ballots are out and most of the less famous award shows have had their say, Oscar fans now have a pretty firm grasp on which of the nominees have the best chance to claim a little golden man. While you can find many other websites with far more credibility, such as the savvy Carpetbagger, the beloved Gold Derby, or the vital Awards Daily. If you want to get the best guess by common consensus, you can even utilize charts that combine the opinions of many respected Oscar-watchers. However, I cannot guarantee that all of those prognosticators utilized my essential rule for Oscar-prediction that I outlined above. If you want the kind of prediction that treats a collection of about 6,000 of the most powerful and successful individuals in show business like they're a snooty high school clique, then you have to come to the Cap'n.

For your benefit I have written a preview of the 8 "major" categories (that is to say, the 8 categories that cover things the hoi polloi understand and have an opinion about)- Best Picture, Best Director, the 4 acting awards, and the screenplay awards. For each category I'll share the nominee generally considered favored to win -with an explanation as to why- and my own pick for a nominee that could potentially pull the upset. This is the Hollywood after all, where "No one knows anything," so you should always keep an eye out for something surprising.

BEST PICTURE
Current Favorite: Slumdog Millionaire- In some years the race of the top prize becomes a hotly contested race between several candidates of equal merits but diverging philosophies, pitting Academy members against each other in contests that sometimes help to define the very soul of cinema itself. This is not such a year. Slumdog has been gobbling up the awards this year, and seems to be on cruise control heading for a Best Picture win. This may be the easiest route a film has ever taken to winning Hollywood's most coveted prize. It seems that all you really need to do to make the Academy swoon is make a movie about poverty, love, and game shows, set in India. Oddly this may actually be the most traditional movie among the nominees (local boy does good, get girl, gets rich, puts on lavish musical number), which may explain why the voters are responding to it so strongly.

Tremendous Upset Potential: Milk- This movie may not seem like the sort of picture old-time industry insiders would want to embrace. Especially in light of the previous failure of Brokeback Mountain, another film featuring homosexual characters, to capture Best Picture. However underneath the surface it could resonate with the sort of themes voters want to see in a film. It concerns the struggle of a community activist who rises to a political position no one else in his minority group had ever attained. So it has a certain topical relevance. Plus it is more of an "actors' picture" where the actors' and their performances are the focus more than special effects wizardry or stylistically daring filmmaking techniques. That proved to be an advantage in the past for previous best pictures like Crash. Also Milk was an American film, about American characters, made by American filmmakers, starring American actors pumping more lifeblood into the tottering American film industry. In contrast, Slumdog was based on an Indian's novel, made by Brits, and filmed in India, whose native movie industry may be Hollywood's closest competitor on the global film market. The Academy might not be so keen on outsourcing Oscars to India too.

BEST DIRECTOR
Current Favorite: Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire- In much the same way that sports players who win Most Valuable Player awards tend to come from teams vying for the championship, the winners of Best Director tend to have directed the winner of Best Picture. While you and I can certainly imagine instances where a stellar athlete may be stuck on a weak team or an outstanding director being let down by other members of the production, the voters in AMPAS haven't seen it that way very often. They have rarely honored a film that was not directed by a nominee, and even less frequently have they honored a director that didn't helm a nominated film. Therefore you can safely assume that as goes Slumdog's Oscar glory so goes Danny Boyle's. As things stand right now that looks good for Mr. Boyle.

Tremendous Upset Potential: David Fincher for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button- True not all the critics have fallen in love with the film, and some in the audience may find it excessively long. In spite of all that Fincher has received nearly unanimous praise for the picture's polished look and technical splendor. Simply overseeing the movie's central conceit -a person "aging" from young to old- required a talented and experienced filmmaker like Fincher. The Academy members could feel that a craftsman like Fincher who turns a concept that by rights shouldn't fill more than a few pages and spins it into a feature length film that actually turns a profit. After a couple of years of nominating films with little box office success, the voters may wish to reward a filmmaker with proven commercial success to go with his artistic accomplishments.

BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Current Favorite: Sean Penn for Milk/ Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler- Yes, it seems like a cheat to claim the race has two leaders. However these two actors really seem to be neck and neck coming into the home stretch. They have each won some of the less famous awards. They each have a strong reason why the voters should like them. The usually gruff and terse Penn embodies Harvey Milk's passion and gives him an effulgent effeminacy that, while not historically accurate, does endear him to the audience. Rourke takes on a role that comes a little close to autobiography as a beat up old soul trying to reclaim past fame and glory. You could even reinterpret the previous17 years of his life were like a massive exercise in method acting. Of course the Academy could also have some compelling (at least to them) reasons not to honor each of them. Penn won Best Actor not long ago, and the people at AMPAS like to spread the wealth and dole out multiple awards to the same person over the course of their career (Tatum O'Neal is due to get her second any year now). On the other hand the members usually like to reward fellow Hollywood insiders, and some like Rourke -who spent a long time away from or on the fringes of show business- may seem to strange and different for them. Any Oscar maven would have little confidence in predicting which of these two men stands the best chance to win at this moment. So I will list them both as favorites. It wouldn't be sporting of me to claim one as the favorite then claim the other as my upset pick. Instead I have a real dark horse candidate for you. . .

Tremendous Upset Potential: Frank Langella for Frost/Nixon- When the reviews came in for Frost/Nixon everyone seemed to be in awe of Langella's portrayal of a post-presidency Richard Nixon. Langella struck an amazing balance between resurrecting the popular image of Nixon we all remember -sweaty, manipulative, hungry for glory- and the more grounded character of history -cunning, charming, multifaceted. He also accomplished an impressive acting feat by translating a theatrical performance rightly acclaimed for its larger-than-life grandeur on the stage into a cinematic performance that captures wonderful subtlety and nuance on screen. While he hasn't garnered the buzz of the two leading nominees, Frankie boy seems to have widespread respect, especially among his fellow thespians. Remember the actors cast a large percentage of the ballots for the Oscars, and their respect can go a long way towards tilting the scales. Langella may yet join the exclusive club of actors to win both a Tony Award and an Academy Award for the same role.

BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Current Favorite: Kate Winslet for The Reader- You may have that critics were unimpressed with The Reader. You may have heard surprise that The Reader was even nominated for Best Picture. You may have even seen some of the backlash against the film on Internet. I want you to know that one of the most important lessons you can learn for predicting the Oscars is to ignore all of that. Ms. Winslet has something on her side that trumps all of that this year. She's due. The Academy clearly has a deep affection for her. She's only 33 and she's been nominated 6 times already. Yet, despite all the love and praise she still hasn't won once. As I've said before the voters like to spread the wealth around, so sometimes deserving individuals have to wait for "their turn". After all becoming an "ACADEMY AWARD WINNER" (imagine that's being read by the voice-over guy who does all the movie trailers) puts you in a pretty exclusive club, so AMPAS can be stingy when it comes to handing out those little golden dudes. The general consensus seems to be that Kate will finally be welcomed into the cool kids' circle this year. That means no matter what anyone else thinks about any other aspect of The Reader, you should still consider Winslet a near lock.

Tremendous Upset Potential: Meryl Streep for Doubt- Many people may find the idea of Meryl Streep being an underdog in any race of an acting award quite strange. After all, she's already won two Oscars. She seems to be nominated every year. Plus, if you were alive in the 1980's you remember when she was every critic's favorite actress. Yet it has been 25 years now since she last won an Academy Award. A lot of the Academy members respect that kind of consistent achievement without any encouragement from the Academy, maybe enough to reward a more veteran actress who they see as a peer. If enough voters have soured on The Reader and/or start to feel contrarian about the whole "It's Kate's year"-thing, then Streep seems to have the strongest credentials of any of the other nominees. The critics lauded her work in Doubt (as always). Her performance has garnered some trophies already. The film has more support from AMPAS than any of the films in which her competitors starred. If none of that helps, she could still get a boost because she has a lot of friends casting ballots. Never forget the old Hollywood adage "It's all about who you know."


BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Current Favorite: Penelope Cruz for Vicky Cristina Barcelona- When utilizing my "AMPAS is the Cool Kids in school" principle, you have to incorporate a few other rules as corollaries. A very relevant rule arises when predicting awards for actresses. Male members of the academy will overwhelmingly vote in favor of an actress they want to sleep with. They seem to assume that by granting a beautiful woman entrance into the circle of Oscar winners, they will have more opportunities to socialize with her. If they meet her at a party after the ceremony, and mention they voted for her, they logically conclude that she will be so flattered by this kind gesture that she will immediately engage them in various intimate acts. So when a woman like Penelope Cruz, universally considered one of the most slobber-inducing beauties on the planet, earns a nomination, even if only for a film with less than stellar reviews and modest box office figures, you should consider her the front-runner by a large margin. When you understand this rule, the victories of certain actress, once considered unbelievable upsets, become almost obvious. Never underestimate what a group of powerful men will do for the company of a good looking woman.

Tremendous Upset Potential: Viola Davis for Doubt- Naturally any hive-mind as large as AMPAS will be driven by a variety of competing urges, of which the desire to cuddle with the new hotness is only one. Occasionally the Academy will also pursue more political agendas, such as righting our nation's cultural wrongs. Unfortunately for the fine people at AMPAS they tend to be a little slow to join a cause. By giving a Best Picture Oscar to In the Heat of the Night, they managed to proclaim their support for the civil rights movement just after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated. After hearing complaints for decades that the Academy hadn't recognized enough minorities, they have recently taken more opportunities to share the love with African-American nominees. An elite clique like AMPAS doesn't survive this long without learning how to adapt, and when to freshen their membership with new blood. This category represents this year's only chance to give a major award to someone of non-European descent. Between Ms. Davis and Taraji P. Henson, Viola has the more talked about performance. Also Doubt has five nominations all in major categories. The voters clearly liked this film a lot, and might give the golden man to Viola as a way of honoring the film as a whole. None of this should be misconstrued to imply Ms. Davis doesn't deserve an Oscar, but, as you are beginning to learn, the Academy doesn't real base these things on merit.


BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Current Favorite: Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight- Rarely does any canny and experienced Oscar-watcher call anything a sure thing. So it seems strange to me, that amongst all the Oscar chatter this year the pundits appear certain that Heath Ledger has a lock on the prize for Best Supporting Actor. Somehow, I find the assured nature of these predictions perplexing. To be sure, I loved his performance, and believe it warrants mention among the greatest examples of acting in film history. With that said though, you must realize that the Academy would break with a lot of traditions to honor Heath with this award. First the Supporting Actor trophy has had a bit of a legacy as a veteran's award, an honor reserved for those who have risen through the Hollywood system and after several years proven their worth. Young stars aren't usually rewarded with a big prize, especially if the voters don't feel they've seen the actor achieve his maximum potential yet. Much of the buzz for Ledger stems from the tragedy of his early death, and a sense that this gifted young thespian had a very promising career cut short. Yet, in the past outstanding talents have received posthumous nominations (albeit rarely) and very, very few of them have won. In fact only once has an acting prize gone to a non-living actor. The case of James Dean seems to bear the closest resemblance to the situation surrounding Ledger. He was also a promising young start who died young and was nominated after his death. He lost. Twice. On top of all that Heath had the misfortune of leaving his last, best performance in a super-hero movie. The academy likes genre pictures, like super-hero flicks, for awards like Best Sound Editing and Best Visual Effects, but they have resisted giving acting awards to these broad entertainments. Widely respected actors like Sirs Alec Guinness and Ian McKellen have both received nominations for their work in genre pictures, and both been denied. I still say that every indicator shows Heath Ledger winning this award. I just can't help but feel as if there's more room for an upset here than most pundits let on.

Tremendous Upset Potential: Josh Brolin for Milk- If you replaced Heath Ledger with any other actor in this year's list of nominees, then Josh Brolin would have, I believe the strongest case of any actor in this category. He has become a hot property in Hollywood lately, so the cool kids of AMPAS might see him as a rising star they should recruit into their clique. Like Gwyneth Paltrow before him, Brolin may "inherit" a spot among the Hollywood elite as the child of a major Hollywood family. In classic AMPAS fashion, this could be a "'make-up" award where the Academy gives him this year's prize after being snubbed last year. More importantly though Brolin belongs to a well supported film, apparently more liked by the voters than any of his competitor's films. In most years this type of resume would mean Brolin would be favored to win the award. It's just his bad luck that Heath Ledger appears to have become an award winning juggernaut this year.


BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Current Favorite: Simon Beaufoy for Slumdog Millionaire- If you try applying my "AMPAS = cool kids at high school" rule to the screenplay awards, you may have a hard time figuring out what to do. After all it's not like anyone wants to hang out with the writers anyways. To guide my judgement in these matters I adopt a principle that holds that the Academy rewards the screenplays that represent their perferred style of picture. Note in the Adapted Screenplay category that rarely means the script with the most original premise or cleverest dialouge. Usually the voters want a story with an epic scope and lots of juicy scenes for actors (remember the actors have the plurality in the membership). Also, you should notice the recent high correlation between Best Adapted Screenplay winners and Best Picture winners. The members have basically adopted the position that the only way to tell a good screenplay is if it leads to a Best Picture caliber film. For these reasons you should assume that Slumdog Millionaire will likely take the trophy. The film has a lot of merits that should appeal to voters. It takes a little known novel and spins it into an engaging story. The tale spans the pretty much all of the characters' young lives. Plus it twists and turns the plot in interesting ways. Simon Beaufoy appears to have a Midas touch in this case. Taking a story few in Hollywood would dare turn into a film, and crafting the basis for a successful and popular movie.

Tremendous Upset Potential: Eric Roth for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button- Of course the voters may feel that Eric Roth's screenplay better fits their preferences. After all it takes an eccentric short story from a bygone era with limited movie potential and expands into into an epic of Forrest Gump level proportions. It provides the kind of gristle actors love to chew up. It inspired a whole slew of technical accomplishments that garnered the film more nominations than any other movie this year. Unlike Slumdog, which has to take place in India, Button is set in principally in New Orleans which gives a boost to American filmmakers. If you don't believe the voters love Slumdog enough to give it all the major awards, than you should keep in mind that the script for Button shares more in common with previous winners than Slumdog. The Academy members have a proven habit of liking what they already know in movies and in stories.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Current Favorite: Dustin Lance Black for Milk- Once again the best bet for the screenplay award is the script belong to a perceived Best Picture contender. Much like their adapted cousins the scripts that win Best Original Screenplay tend to come with a large vision and a big stage for their actors. Milk offers up the kind of material most leading men dream of playing (unless they've got some deep seated problem with gay people) by showing Harvey Milk as everything from a latter-day hippie, to an effeminate dandy, to a cunning politician. The pciture makes great use of tying the characters' development to historical events we remember. Also, AMPAS has previously rewarded screenplays that bring a new perspective to the lives of well-known historical figures. Even if you worry that the voters may feel too uncomfortable with Milk's homosexual content to give it Best Picture, remember that they have deigned to award screenplay prizes to similarly-themed films before.

Tremendous Upset Potential: Andrew Stanton and Jim Reardon for WALL-E- Though the Academy's choice for Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Picture have recently overlapped, the Original Screenplay award has actually gone to scripts that feature originality. The Oscar's for writing seem to be one of the few places the voters will reward works of inspired cinema. In this case the members may go for an animated feature that elevated the medium to new heights. In fact the critical praise and popular support for WALL-E was so strong, that many expected it to snag a nomination for Best Picture. While it may not win the big prize, it may still strike a blow for animated features by taking a trophy for writing. The voters may feel enough affection for the endearing tale of a robot in love that it could grant it a prize beyond the Best Animated Feature category. The film also breathes new life into the art of wordless-comedy, a big plus for Hollywood elites trying to export more movies around the globe. In the end though the best reason to pick WALL-E for the upset win is because it is the only nominee other than Milk to draw wide spread support from the Academy. When a film has multiple nominations the voters usually like to give it at least one or two.

That completes my coverage of the major awards. If you want to know who to pick in your Oscar pool, I would advise you to take all the favorites (and consult the various experts I linked to ofcourse). Only select an upset if you really agree with an argument I made or if you hear about an something brewing from one of the many Oscar pundits you'll see on TV between now and the ceremony. If you're very lucky I may also share my predictions for the other categories, but I make no promises. I may decide to save those tips for my own elite cricle.

If I ran Vegas-Proposition bets for Super Bowl XLIII

My bizarre fascination with gambling seems to exhibit a certain infectious quality. For starters my posts on the topic have come to comprise a substantial chunk of this blog's content. I would contend that these posts tend to reflect my humorous outlook on sports betting more than they display the kind of half-baked, over-thought advice typical of degenerate gamblers. However it still may look a little suspicious that I type up so many words dissecting Vegas lines, even if just in jest.

Naturally my obsession with wagering and all the pseudo-science it entails has found other vectors along which to spread, victimizing not just unsuspecting Technorati users, but now my family as well. Over the past several years, my bad influence has started to steer conversations to the theory and practice of gambling, especially during the NFL play-offs. This slow moral decline of my family has prominently featured an annual ritual of exchanging possible proposition bets before each Super Bowl. As with my blog posts on the topic, these are principally tongue-in-cheek items meant to highlight some of the funnier storylines and odd quircks of the particular game. To help demonstrate what I mean, I'll share some examples from my own proposals of previous years.

From Super Bowl XLI:
-The number of Super Bowl commercials for beer that feature animals will be over the total number of Super Bowl commercials featuring Peyton Manning.
-Odds that a black coach will win the Super Bowl: Even
-Odds that no one outside of the sports punditry will care about this: Even

From Super Bowl XLII:
- Mentions of the Patriots possibly going undefeated: over/under 41.5
- Mentions of the Patriots using cameras to spy on opponents earlier in the season: over/under 98.5
- Uses of the word "history" and all variations during the broadcast (including "historic", "historical", and "histriatoric" by Terry Bradshaw): over/under 26

In order to share the fun and innanity of this tradition with those few random folks who will read this post, I decided to make my personal selections of proposition bets for Super Bowl XLIII publically available on this blog. If anyone had any ideas of their own they would like to share, I invite you to write them up in the comments section below.

Now, for your enjoyment, I present the proposition bets I would post if I ran my own Las Vegas casino.

-Total in game promotions of shows premeiring on NBC's primetime lineup mid-season: Over/Under 6.5

-Number of time a prickly Al Michaels will make a point of mentioning which college a player attended after they refuse to mention it in the starting lineup introduction: Over/Under 3.5

-Times John Madden mentions Brett Favre favored -3 over Times John Madden mentions Neil Rackers

-Odds of someone making a comment about Troy Polamalu's hair during the broadcast: 3-1

-Total fumbles committed by Kurt Warner favored -2 over Total fumbles by entire Steelers team

-Comments made by announcers concerning Hines Ward having to play through an injury favored -5 over Actual minutes played by Hines Ward in this game

-Number of commercials for NBC's Heroes favored -3 over Total non-offensive touchdowns scored by the Steelers

-Number of interceptions thrown by Kurt Warner favored -2.5 over Number of commercials for NBC's underappreciated and underpromoted Life

-Odds that Steeler fans will comprise a majority of the stadium audience: 1-2

- Total catches by Larry Fitzgerald: Over/Under 6.5

-Total catches by Larry Fitzgerald that go for more than 20 yards or a touchdown: Over/Under 6.5

-Total compliments payed to Mike Tomlin by the announcing crew: Over/Under 5.5

-Total times the announcing crew mentions how much Tomlin resembles actor Omar Epps: Over/Under 0.5

-Total compliments payed to the city of Tampa Bay by the announcing crew: Over/Under 0.5

-Number of highlight reels about the Steeler's history of greatness shown during the game favored -1 over the number of highlight reels about the Cardinal's history of ineptitude

-Odds that the Cardinals will beat the spread and impress the announcing crew: 5-1

-Odds the Cardinals will actually win: 10,000-1

-Odds that you will see someone wearing a piece of apparel related to the winning team tomorrow: Even

I hope you enjoy those propositions bets. Remember always gamble responsibly, and never trust me to get any of these close to right. Enjoy the game!

Google Paranoia? "This Site May Harm Your Computer" Everywhere

This post is meant to be a message for any Google staff who happen to be trolling for reaction to this morning's overabundance of security. For anyone else who happens on this page, welcome and please join me in taunting Google for their Internet faux pas.
Google I say to you "HA! HA!"
I don't know a damn thing about computer coding or Internet security protocols. I have no idea what lead you to produce such an extreme over-reaction to Internet in general. Most of my theories would be rubbish anyways. I would guess that someone would have put Internet on Orange Alert and you just got carried away. Maybe you had just broken up with someone and were scared to get hurt again. I might even believe that you had a wild Friday night, and the fear was just a side effect of coming down. Like I said, none of those actually makes sense, so I will leave the theorizing to the many other blogs that have already posted about this. Eve
I can say that moments like this are the last thing you can afford. You are the hegemon of Internet search engines, and in a troubled global economy you need all the advantages you can get. Even if the problem is fixed by the time I finish typing this post (which it probably will be), I can still say that the few minutes of distrust you inspired in your users this moment certainly caused a few more people to turn to Yahoo! or Ask. Maybe some of them will decide they even prefer those search engines. I am certain some of the 24-hour news echo chamber will chat about your embarrasment and hurt your corporate profile with the public. Eventually you will find that when you are playing king of the hill any mistake while on top will be used by your competitors as a chance to knock you from your perch. No, I don't think this morning will be the moment that causes Google to loose its grip on Internet dominance. I just wanted to point out that it could be the start of a long slide down. Ironically, because Google was fearful of everything for just a moment, now they have cause to be fearful for a long time to come.
Just to reiterate: "HA! HA!"

The Buckerine Files: 2008 Arbitrary Bowl Predicitions- The BCS Bowls

The Ohio State Buckeyes have gone through several uniform changes over the years. Are there current jerseys insufficient to win a high stakes game? We'll answer that question and more in the Capn's Arbitrary Bowl Predictions. Image swiped off of myteamprints.com.

Now we come to the grand finale of the college football post-season, the elite Bowl Championship Series. These are the games that get top pick of all the best teams, or at least the best teams they still have room for after loading up on mediocre conference champions. Of course the big one at the end determines who everyone will elect the national champion (or maybe not if any of them decide they care about defense and decide to pay attention to the Rose Bowl). For your entertainment and edification I am here to predict the outcome of each game by analyzing the uniforms of the teams involved. Just to prove that I really have lost my mind, I will then forecast the quality of the games based on the merits of the bowls' sponsors. The Cap'n has already previewed all the less notable bowl in some previous posts (follow these links for Part One, Part Two, Part Three, and Part Four in turn), but you can always count on the top level bowl games getting their own special post. The prospects of these match-ups have me so excited that I can literally feel a tingling in my toes . . . and my chest . . . and up and down my left arm. Hmmmm, that can't be god. Okay, we'll have to do this fast before the blurred vision and muscle spasms set in. Here are your BCS predictions . . .

Rose Bowl -1/1/2009
Penn State Nittany Lions v. Southern California Trojans
The Uniforms: Every year the Rose Bowl stands as its own special event. The contest in Pasadena always lives up to the hype though by bringing us some of the best that the tradition of college football has to offer. Penn State and Southern California certainly belong on any list of the most prestigious college football programs of all time. The Trojans wear that history of greatness on their sleeves. And their helmets. And their jerseys. And their pants. Not so much their cleats though. The cardinal and gold colors somehow appear bright and cheery but also bold and formidable. The accents and logos don't burden the smooth design and support the classic feeling these uniforms provoke. Penn State somehow gets away with the most basic kind of costuming that one could still call a football uniform. They start with a balnk white slate, inscribe what few numbers are necessary, add a blue stripe on the helmet, then call it quits. That's it. No logos. No flair. Nothing. I am almost stunned with who much these uniforms underwhelm the viewer. I would like to say I respect Penn State for their commitment to minimalism and simple design (maybe a hat tip to all of the Amish that reside in Pennsylvania?), however I have to predict a blowout win for the Trojans.

The Sponsor: The Rose Bowl is about the only bowl that has remained strong enough to not have the sponsor's name slapped in front of the name of the game. The Rose Bowl is presented by Citi Bank. Any other year I would take this as a side of strength. Given how weak banks have become in recent months though, any asssociation with a bank is enough to drag down the quality of the game. Watch out for one of the teams to put in a game that's as much of a disaster as the financial industry has been. This will be the first heavily one sided and ugly college football game of 2009.
The Prediction: Southern California- 42 Penn State- 21

FedEx Orange Bowl -1/1/2009
Cincinnati Bearcats v. Virginia Tech Hokies
The Uniforms: This bowl features some pretty nontraditional powers. Sure, the Hokies have become a real force over the past decade, but they were an unknown entity for most of college football history. While the University of Cincinnati has a storied basketball program, they have played in pretty much no notable football games. As you might expect both of these teams sport togs that reflect current success and modern sensibilities rather than classic style. Virginia Tech tries to bring a dynamic, active look with some well placed accent lines and a pretty spiffy logo. Unfortunately they selected a truly ugly color combination. During the regular season it almost works as an autumnal look with those seasonal oranges and browns. Now in the throes of winter those tones just seem inappropriate. The Bearcats are still wearing uniforms that belong on a mid-major team, even though they have recently moved into one of the elite conferences. Well at least the ostentatious chromatics and confounding logo of Cincinnati don't make me think of sweet potato casserole. I project a win by the Bearcats though not by an especially wide margin.

The Sponsor: For a lot of people, all means of delivering a package are pretty much the same. However I recently learned that FedEx was the company that pioneered connecting ground and air delivery systems. In keeping with that merging of transportation methods, I have a vision of a clash between different phases of the game. The outcome of the game will hinge on one team's ability to overcome crushing defense and phenomenal special teams with explosive offense. It promises to be an intersting contest.

The Prediction: Cincinnati- 27 Virginia Tech- 18

Allstate Sugar Bowl -1/2/2009
Utah Utes v. Alabam Crimson Tide
The Uniforms: I have to be honest this comparison inspires no real passion in me. I think Utah has an atrocious uniform. They tried to be modern and hip, but just wound up looking silly. The Alabama jerseys are a little bland and uninspiring. The Crimson Tide can at least pin their inadaquacies on tradition. The Crimson Tide will win easily, and I have nothing more to say.

The Sponsor: Allstate has never done much to distinguish themselves from other insurance companies in my mind. To me all insurance is a dull necessity. We all feel like we have to have it, but none of us really think about it that much. Thus I forecast a very dull game. Everyone will show up and go throw the motions as if it was really important, despite all the evidence to the contrary. There is some very small chance it will turn out to be an interesting game, but deep in you gut you don't believe it will.

The Prediction: Alabama- 36 Utah- 24

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl -1/5/2009
Ohio State Buckeyes v. Texas Longhorns
The Uniforms: Once again we are comparing two time-honored programs who have spent decades crafting some distinctive and impressive outfites. The Longhorns' football attire is practically an official symbol for the state of Texas. True, I may have some qualms with their preferred shade of orange -which still looks like pumpkin to me, no matter how many times they call it burnt. Everyone has to respect that logo, thought, that is iconography 101 slapped on the side of their helmets. The Buckeyes have some pretty iconic helmets of their own, especially when you start slapping the famous buckeye leaf stickers on the sides. As you can see above Ohio State, like any longstanding football team, has gone through a number of refinements. The most recent edition has significantly improved the Buckeye's design. Now their color scheme has an understated, unified look. The fashionable accents actually add some visual pop instead of just weighing down the eye. Unfortunately Ohio State's apparel still has a generally cluttered look. It will take a few more upgrades for the Buckeyes' style to match what the Longhorns' already have. This appears to be an impressive Texas win in the making.

The Sponsor: Tostitos has the unenviable task of trying to separate their tortilla chips from all the other salty corn-based snacks available to our obese nation. Somehow though they always seem to be one-step ahead. They created scoop shaped chips for easy dipping. They added a hint of lime flavoring incase you wanted to eat your chips while drinking Mexican beer. In a world on the verge of an epic case of nervous eating, Tostitos stands ready to serve our every gluttonous whim. We have ample evidence here that this will be an enjoyable game that we can devour in one sitting and not have to worry about in the morning.

The Prediction: Texas- 37 Ohio State- 24

BCS National Championship Game -1/8/2009
Florida Gators v. Oklahoma Sooners
The Uniforms: The national championship match-up provides us with two diverging philosophies on football apparel to analyze. On one hand you have Oklahoma's plain-spoken crimson and creme ensemble, which speaks to a certain rural humility and respect for tradition. Their logos and lettering appear functional yet impressive, like the work of a highly skilled craftsman. Never mind that the uniforms do nothing to tell you what a "sooner" is. The Florida outfits certainly do very little to remind you of an alligator. Whoever designed the Gators' look was obviously too concerned with other things, like making sure the uniforms stand out even from great distances or that there is plenty of pieces flair crammed onto the jerseys. If the Florida uniforms had truly taken on a modern look, with all the eccentricities and gimicks that involves. I might have pegged them for the win in a "future v. past" match-up. Since the Gators stopped short, they just look tacky by today's standards. I am left predicting a victory for Oklahoma and their loyalty to a traditional style.

The Sponsor: This year the FedEx company got its claws around the naming rights to this game. However they aren't really responsible for this game. This game exists as an extention of the entire bowl system. It represents the slow evolution of the sport from a diasporic post-season of mulitple bowl, to the inevitable unified play-off format. In a way this game is brought to us by the very sport itself. I can think of no better sponsor, and so I imagine there will be no better game.

The Prediction: Oklahoma- 45 Florida- 37

Since, that covers all the bowl games I can finally take a break. This much bloggin in a short span is just not the Capn's style. Fear not faithful reader (no, I did not intend to make that plural) as I will return to blogging again. So keep an eye out for the next release from the Buckerine Files.

The Buckerine Files: 2008 Arbitrary Bowl Predicitions- Part 4

If you can already imagine yourself wearing one of these classic jerseys with your own name inscribed on the back, then you have what it takes to use the Capn's Arbitrary Bowl Prediction method. Image found at customauthenticjerseys.com.

We have already seen so many bowl games come and go and yet there are still so many remaining to be covered. In this edition of my Arbitrary Bowl Predictions -wherein I predict the outcomes of games by comparing the teams' uniforms, and I forecast the quality of the games based on the bowls' sponsors- I will only be covering bowls that occur on New Year's Day, the traditional home of the college football post season, and beyond. The very idea of their being bowls outside of January 1st is still a strange concept to many, let alone their being enough games to fill three further blog posts. So if you need to ease into it go back and review Part One, Part Two and Part Three. No let's get ready to ring in 2009 with some more ridiculous prognostication . . .

Outback Bowl -1/1/2009
South Carolina Gamecocks v. Iowa Hawkeyes
The Uniforms: We can begin by observing that these two teams clearly drawn even with each other in the area of mascots. Only an ornithologist would enjoy that comparison. So we'll step right past that and start critiquing the clothes on the players' backs. Iowa sports some powerful duds. The yellow and black combination is always a powerful visual stimulant (Why else would bees wear it so often?). The no-nonsense design commands the respect of anyone who sees it. This is a design so good it belongs on an NFL team with a tradition of greatness, like say the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Gamecocks managed to craft an outfit without needing to rip-off a storied pro franchise. They did however seem to find it necessary to use an impotent shade of red (I'm really not sure if that counts as a pun.), and a slew of useless accents to clash with their throwback logo. Despite the unoriginal motif, I still find the Hawkeyes look pretty damn impressive,and I'll peg them for a solid win.

The Sponsor: Among all the restaurants that sell booze and put a lot fo stupid crap on their walls, I would have to name Outback Steakhouse as one of my least favorite. In all my experience with Outback, I am overcome by two factors. All their restaurants seem to have too little light and give you way too much food. This makes me expect that this game will have too little defense and way too much defense for most viewers' taste.
The Prediction: Iowa- 21 South Carolina- 9

Konica Minolta Gator Bowl -1/1/2009
Nebraska Cornhuskers v. Clemson Tigers
The Uniforms: We find in Clemson yet another uniform selection that many college football fans revile. The Tigers' heavy use of fresh-carrot orange and bruised-fruit purple seem to offend the eyes of some college football afficianados. I actually like the brashness of the color scheme, and the cleverly inconic logo. These are outfits that require and inspire confidence. Of course most college football fans would list Nebraska's look among the classics of the sport. Their bare-bones red and white outfits with a minimalist capital "N" for a logo could be interpreted as the very ideal of midwestern modesty. In my eyes though these plain Jane affairs lack any true life and spark. I will ignore the haters and call for a rousing Clemson victory.
The Sponsor: I will put aside whatever residual anger I may have from years of paper jams and clogged toner cartirdges. We have all come to rely on printers for much of what we do in life. However most of us could care less about what brand of printer we use. There are certainly a few people who subscribe to Consumer Reports and comparison shop based on manufacturer. Most of us just what something inexpensive and effective, and we don't even know what printer we have in the home or at the office without looking. So I predict that this will be a fairly unexciting game resulting in a sadly generic score.

The Prediction: Clemson- 21 Nebraska- 17

Capital One Bowl -1/1/2009
Michigan State Spartans v. Georgia Bulldogs
The Uniforms: This contest provides us an intriguing opportunity to compare the unintended consequences that accumulate after a series of related decisions. In this case the Michigan State uniforms showcase a number of daring choices, including a chromatically unusual jersey, a subdued lettering scheme, and a slightly confusing logo. (If you didn't know their mascat, I doubt "helmet of a Spartan soldier" would be the first thing you thought of when you saw that shape.) Yet somehow all of those questionable selections produce a proud, up-standing ensemble. The Georgia uniforms are the very inversion of this. All of the elements that compose their outfits are generally safe, a solid palette, sturdy fonts, and a very *ahem* professional looking logo. Added together they somehow become less than the sum of their parts. The Bulldogs design lacks direction and, dare I pun, bite! When I look at the Spartans, I feel assured about their football prowess. When I look at the Bulldogs, I feel uninspired and underwhelmed. Expect the Spartans to win, but count on them to look like they should lose for most of the game.

The Sponsor: Since my credit history is so bad I can't even get an adjustable rate mortgage, I have very little experience with the major credit card companies. I have seen quite a few of Capital One's advertisements though, and they usually amuse me. Also they had the brilliant idea to pair the bowl with the Capitol One Mascot Challenge which is one of the most entertaining distractions associated with college football. That all but guarantees a highly entertaining and engaging game.

The Prediction: Michigan State- 29 Georgia- 26

AutoZone Liberty Bowl -1/2/2009
Kentucky Wildcats v. East Carolina Pirates
The Uniforms: East Carolina has the raw materials necessary to forge an amazing uniform. They have one of the greatest mascots available in the mascot in the pirate. The colors are brave and striking. I am baffled that they can take those ingredients and make such an unpleasant jersey. Their helmet logo is awful. The shade of purple they use is hideous. Worst of all they don't tap into the pirate motif at all! The Pirates are fortunate that they have drawn the very weak attire of the Kentucky Wildcats. The apparel of Kentucky utilizes a flat blue and white look and hopes that their clever old school logo is enough to spice it up. I feel sorry for Kentucky they had one of the easiest match-ups they could have drawn, and they were still too lame to win.

The Sponsor: Some personal experience of mine plays heavily in favor of the sponsor in this case. In the last few months I have needed to perform a handful of minor car repairs just to keep my ride in good working order. My local AutoZone has not only supplies the needed materials, but the staff also helped out with some much guidance and moral support. So in honor of all the service I received from AutoZone, I'll declare that this will be a top level game.

The Prediction: East Carolina- 27 Kentucky- 24

AT&T Cotton Bowl -1/2/2009
Ole Miss Rebels v. Texas Tech Red Raiders
The Uniforms: Texas Tech is a program trying to climb the ranks and join the elite programs. Toward that purpose they have chosen an assertive design that uses such strident coloring and self-assured lettering to create an aggressively intimidating look. You can tell how strident and ambitious this team is without even seeing them take a snap. The Ole Miss jerseys actually find a great deal of success using some cumbersome elements. I have seen plenty of other teams make a hash out of the red, white, and blue motif. The Rebels see there way through that challenge and come out looking classy. Throw in some old fashioned Southern charm and you have a rather pleasing outfit. Ultimately, I side with the raw dominating force of Texas Tech.

The Sponsor: Time used to be that AT&T had a monopolistic reign over the telecommunication industry. Now new technologies and more innovative companies have robbed AT&T of its dominant status and threatened to turn it into the relic of a by-gone era. That signifies a game where the more traditional team fights valiantly but is overcome by the more inventive teams' superior tactics.

The Prediction: Texas Tech- 43 Ole Miss- 35

International Bowl -1/3/2009
Connecticut Huskies v. Buffalo Bulls
The Uniforms: Of all the comparisons I have made for this piece, this definitely is the sorriest combination of uniforms I have seen. Apologies to all the Huskies and Bulls fans out there, but your teams' have some lame outfits. I've seen more daring attire on Benedictine monks. There's no wonder why we exported this contest to Canada. The Buffalo uniforms are just a mass of blue with little accent; it's practically nondescript. The apparel donned Connecticut does virtually nothing as well. I almost feel as if these good be the home/road jersey combo for some generic team from a bland sports movie. I suppose that the stripes on the Huskies' jerseys are micrometrically less generic, so I will project them to win by the smallest of edges.

The Sponsor: What this bowl lacked in fashion it more than makes up for with its classy backer: the city of Toronto, Ontario! (That's in Canada.) Like many other bleeding-heart liberals from the United States, I often fantasize of moving to the socialist paradise neighboring us to the north. If Canada is secretly envied by the rest of the world, then surely Toronto is secretly envied by the rest of Canada. The city is so impressive that Superman's creators modeled his fictional hometown of Metropolis after Toronto. No one could wish for a finer city to visit or in which to live. Accordingly I foresee that no one could wish to attend or watch a finer game. I predict it will have everything from unforgettable plays, to awe inspiring finishes, all wrapped up with a thrilling finish. If there is even a modicum of truth to this predictions (and of course, there isn't) you won't want to miss this game.

The Prediction: Connecticut- 29 Buffalo- 27 (UConn win by scoring a miracle touchdown as time expires)

GMAC Bowl -1/6/2009
Ball State Cardinals v. Tulsa Golden Hurricane
The Uniforms: Tulsa takes a pretty silly concept and makes it work wonderfully as gridiron fashion. I have no idea why a team landlocked in the middle of Oklahoma would name themselves off of a coastal weather system. If you just take that as a given though the design is very strong. They combine their titular gold with the colors of the hurricane warning flag and layer it over a shade of blue that could represent the prairie sky or the stormy sea. They keep all the lines smooth and sleek. This uniform is both clever and fun. At first glance I also enjoyed the Ball State jerseys. They use a modern design and incorporate some widely respected pigments. Then I saw the helmet and immediately felt disappointed. Ball State had such good potential, but is was pretty much ruined by the hideous drawing of a bird. I don't even think it looks much like a cardinal. To me it looks more like some kind of demon finch that chased Picasso in his nightmares. The Cardinals' helmet allow Tulsa to take this game with relative ease.

The Sponsor: I am surprised GMAC is still willing to sponsor a bowl. They are basically a financial service for General Motors. Given that the major automakers are in trouble and that the entire financial sector is one giant dumpster fire, I wouldn't be surprised if the check they wrote to cover the bowl's expenses didn't bounce. This is a sponsor in a bad place. As such I expect this game will be unwatchable, mostly because one of the teams will find themselves in a bad place. Maybe a star player will be injured or maybe they just will clearly be rusty and out of rhythm all game. In any case the side that already had the advantage will have no problems taking and holding a lead.

The Prediction: Tulsa- 33 Ball State- 14

With those bowls now forecasted, we only have the BCS bowls left to discuss. Join me then when I break out my last set of Arbitrary Bowl Predictions for the season.

The Buckerine Files: 2008 Arbitrary Bowl Predicitions- Part 3

Will the much maligned uniforms of the Oregon Ducks finally prove to be advantageous in their big bowl game. If connecting a team's appearance to their performance doesn't make sense to you then you need to read about the Capn's Arbitrary Bowl Prediction Method. The above image was swiped off goducks.com.

As the year closes, the bowl games start sprouting like acne on Roger Clemens' back. If someone just gave you a wad of cash as a holiday present and you want to wager it away betting college football, then I recommend having a little fun when you make your selections. This is why I provide the blogosphere with my Arbitrary Bowl Prediction Method, where I predict the winners and scores of games based on a silly comparison that has no true relation to college football performance. This year I am weighing the teams based on how visually pleasing I find their uniforms. As an added eccentricity (because life would be too simple otherwise), I also evaluate each bowl's sponsor to determine the potential quality of the game. This is Part 3. You can find Part 1 and Part 2 in my archives.

Since I'm facing a panoply of bowl match-ups, I will be trying to forecast most of them quickly. So get ready for a collection of slightly smaller predictions (though of course your Cap'n will always find time to get verbose when a particular bowl warrants it). Onward then, to a new year, and a new set of bowl prognostication . . .

Independence Bowl -12/28/2008
Northern Illinois Huskies v. Louisiana Tech Bulldogs
The Uniforms: With a nice solid letter format, mostly unadorned jerseys and pretty good logo of a dog head on top of , Northern Illinois has some respectable uniforms. The Huskies wouldn't be mistake for a traditional power in that get-up, but for a team from a mid-major conference like the MAC, they certainly look like a force with which to be reckoned (that's for all you grammarians out there, you're welcome). Louisiana Tech wouldn't look like a force in any kind of conference. They use a bad combination of clashing reds and blues, and an ugly logo that should belong to the third-tier oil company run off a Clampett-like oil strike in the Louisiana swamps. The Huskies are easy winners here.

The Sponsor: We can thank the PetroSun company for putting on this bowl game. Other than bringing the college football postseason to the Shreveport, Louisiana, PetroSun's most notable activity seems to be an effort to turn algae into biodiesel fuel. I know alternative energy sources are all the rage these days, but tapping pond scum as a power supply seems like a highly unlikely prospect to me. Accordingly, I don't forsee much chance of anything exciting happening. This will be an ugly game where most of the points are scored on broken plays or off of obvious mistakes by the opponent. So, I guess what I'm telling you is, don't bother setting the DVR for this one.
The Prediction: Northern Illinois- 37 Louisiana Tech- 14

PapaJohn's.com Bowl-12/29/2008
North Carolina State Wolfpack v. Rutgers Scarlet Knights
The Uniforms: The Wolfpack have a lot of little things wrong with their uniforms. Their logo is unclear and awkward. Their jersey design doesn't flow in a fluid manner. While their style doesn't project strength and power, their overall look is still solid and confident. The Scarlet Knights also lack a very formidable appearance. The Rutgers' ensemble does have the kind of simplicity and unpolished charms you would expect from one of college football's oldest team. Their bright red jerseys give a nice visual pop, but don't come close to intimidating the viewer. At least NC State has some threatening elements, giving them a rather large edge in this contest.

The Sponsor: You would think PapaJohn's.com would be low hanging fruit for a snide and cynical blogger to pick apart (for example: How do you put an apostrophe in a URL?). I will leave that to other lazier bloggers. I am here to defend PapaJohn's.com. This is a terrific website, if only because you can now order home pizza delivery over Internet. That is so awesome. One more thing I can do without ever having to directly interact with humas. Now all I need to do is perfect my robot that answers the door and pays the deliveryman, and I'll be set. This gives me high hopes for a highly entertaining back and forth game with lots of exciting plays.

The Prediction: North Carolina State- 37 Rutgers- 33

Alamo Bowl -12/29/2008
Missouri Tigers v. Northwestern Wildcats
The Uniforms: The slick packaging of Missouri's uniforms creates a bold, assertive look that suggests a gutsy, risk-taking attitude. This is slightly undermined by the old-fashioned block "M" helmet logo they sport. This looks like a team with an Achilles' heel just waiting to be exposed. Northwestern has to compensate for several goofy elements in their gear, not the least of which is their weak shade of purple. They cover with a well-coordinated design that implies smooth execution and aggressive action on the gridiron. It helps both teams that their sadly generic mascot emblem cannot be toppped by their opponent, since they also have one of the three most common mascots in existence (if only we could incorporate the Mississippi State Bulldogs somehow, then we would be set). I'll have to favor the Tigers in this one, since their uni's made the better first impression.

The Sponsor: Who better to front a bowl game in Texas than an oil company like Valero? Valero must be feeling a little dissappointed since earlier this year they had peak oil prices, and now they're practically giving the stuff away at less than $2 a gallon. Similarly a match-up between these particular teams may have seemed like a much bigger draw earlier in the season. So I will guess that like the cheap gas, this game will be enjoyable, shortlived, but dulled by the shadow of recent troubles and the knowledge that next year can only disappoint.

The Prediction: Missouri- 33 Northwestern- 27

Texas Bowl -12/30/2008
Western Michigan Broncos v. Rice Owls
The Uniforms: This was a hard match-up to get a handle on. I found the Broncos' appearance to be brash, bold, and generally dysfunctional and unpleasant to look at. Their color scheme clashes at points and certain elements stand out like racing stripes. The logo struck me as over-the-top aggressive, to the point that I found it laughable. By the same measure, the Rice ensemble does little to assert itself. Their ability to project a dominating attitude toward the game of football falls apart once you notice all of their lettering looks like it was generated by the campus calligraphy club. I guess Rice should win, because at the very least their gear was consistent.

The Sponsor: The Texas Bowl appears to be sponsored by the entire state of Texas. In actuality it is only put on by the city of Houston, TX. I guess the whole state couldn't get behind this one specific bowl considering there are three other bowls played in Texas as well. That means instead of getting a game with Texas-sized entertainment, we only get a game as entertaining as Houston. I'm sorry Houston. I've never been, but I've heard nothing but bad things. This game looks like a game that seems to take forever, but never has any really great moments. Trust me the boys in ESPN's editing room will have a hard time making a highlight reel out of this one.

The Prediction: Rice- 26 Western Michigan- 16

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl- 12/30/2008
Oklahoma State Cowboys v. Oregon Ducks
The Uniforms: Of all the bowl match-ups available this season this may be the most interesting. Here we have two uniforms which both have been widely derided and included on lists of the ugliest uniforms in college football. They seem likely candidates to draw numerous detractors as they share a similar philosophy. They both abandon anything traditional in favor of the school of modern jersey design, with bright -maybe even aggressive- pigments, and numerous extraneous decorative touches. To anyone accustomed to college football uniforms as worn by Johnny Rodgers or Jim Plunkett the brazenly flashy costumes worn in this bowl game will certainly come as a shock. For those football fans raised in the current era, these sort of fashion strategies are routine. From the color schemes which accost they eye, to the multiple variations that maximize merchandize possibilities, they've come to expect these sort of things from Nike (which has a close relationship with the University of Oregon). In some ways it's very difficult to pick a winner between these gridiron ensembles. To most fans this is a contest between two disturbing eyesores, and to the rest its just another side of rampant commercialism stealing all the fun from sports.
I will still attempt to analyze this match-up, and make whatever contrasts can be made between these uniforms. For starters the Cowboys and Ducks both use trendy, highly stylized letterings, but the Pokes' labels are at least slightly legible while the Quake's inscriptions can cause vetigo if you look at them too closely. More importantly though Oregon has a nasty tendency to mix and match their jersey, pants, and helmet combinations, which means we have no way of predicting exactly what outfits they will be wearing come game time. If I can't be sure what they'll wear, then I can have no confidence in how well they play. So I forecast an easy victory for Oklahoma State, despite the high "ick" factor of their own uniforms.

The Sponsor: I have a lot of anger toward Pacific Life, though not for anything related to the insurance side of their business. I take umbrage at their advertisements. Specifically that awful 30-second spot of garbage that involves whales slapping their fins and tales, seemingly to rock music. I have dubbed this ad "Rock Whales" and you can watch the video here. WARNING: THIS VIDEO IS HIGHLY ANNOYING AND DEFINITELY N.S.F.W. (Not Safe For Whales). They have offended my good taste and ruined the sense of safety I once had watching college football. For that advert alone, I condemn this game to be a sad one-sided affair that features more mistakes and sloppy play than exciting moments or highlight worthy material.

The Prediction: Oklahoma State- 41 Oregon- 24

Roady's Humanitarian Bowl -12/30/2008
Maryland Terrapins v. Nevada Wolf Pack
The Uniforms: Maryland's outfit is far too cluttered and busy to befit a respectable football team. The ensemble must carry so many accents and embelishments that I'm surprised their was still room left for the players' names and numbers. It frankly looks like the designer took some blank swatches, crammed on every element they could take from the Maryland state flag and the University of Maryland's logo, and then wrapped it around an unfortunate football team. The players for Nevada are much more fortunate. They get uniforms with a well defined look, smooth and professional. The accent lines on the shoulders and very aggressive helmet logo help add to the assertive attitude of the ensemble. These uniforms could just as easily belong to any highly regarded football. This is an easy -nay, effortless- win for the Wolf Pack.

The Sponsor: There have been some pretty lame bowl sponsors in the history of college football's post-season. The Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl, galleryfurniture.com Bowl, and the magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl all spring readily to mind. Among any list of the worst though, you have to find room for the Roady's Humanitarian Bowl. This is a bowl that owes its existence to a series of truck stops. Plus the game will be played in Boise, Idaho, hardly a popular tourist destination. It's no surprise to me that interest in this bowl seems to be so low, even among the teams' fans. Just as tired motorists will gladly drive past truck stops fearing seedy characters and unhygenic conditions, I predict that viewers will flip past this game for fear of unmotivated execution and playcalling and the kind of weather that leads to poor football playing conditions.

The Prediction: Nevada- 39 Maryland- 17

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl -12/30/2008
Houston Cougars v. Air Force Falcons
The Uniforms: The Air Force uniforms are nonsensical in their design. The colors at least evoke the idea of the sky, appropriate for the aviational branch of our armed forces. Nothing else works in this outfit. The logos don't match the mascot. The lettering misses the obvious chance to utilize military imagery. The Falcons' look is just a mess, implying inconsistent effort and unfocused execution. The Houston Cougars are not a traditional football power, and their uniforms are not the timeless iconic designs we associate with those programs. However they do have the boldy direct chromatic scheme and an old fashioned logo you need to create a reasonable facsimile of a classic look. So while the play of the Cougar football team may not be great, it will at least approach greatness. I foresee an ultimate Houston victory, but it may be a close one.

The Sponsor: This sponsor got me excited once I saw it. I am a big fans of all things helicopter related. If there were a cable channel that played nothing but helicopter related content, I would watch it all day. I will predicte that this contest involves some back and forth action and several game breaking plays. This should be a fun game.

The Prediction: Houston- 37 Air Force- 27

Sun Bowl -12/31/2008
Oregon State Beavers v. Pittsburgh Panthers
The Uniforms: Pittsburgh has everything you could ask for in a classic college football outfit. They have sturdy lettering, a straight-forward logo, and a confident color pattern bordering on the archetypal. The look suits a widely respected football program with a distinguished history. Oregon State lacks almost everything you would find in a classic uniform. College football fashionistas generally consider the Oregon State look one of college football's ugliest. The fatal flaw of the Beaver design is that it overexerts itself in an attempt to appear dynamic. Superficially, I would project a blowout, but there is something about the sheer chutzpah of Oregon State's attire that I have to respect. I guess I'll call for a win for Pitt, and for the Beavers to make a game of it.

The Sponsor: Your thank you cards for this bowl can be sent to the makers of Brut, a fragrance for men. Though they may be the first thanks they have gotten for awhile. In my observation not that many people appreciate men's cologne. Men always seem to resent wearing it, or find it a lackluster instrument of attracting female attention. Women always seem bothered by the overbearing quantities that men wearing, or roll their eyes at the absurdity of a greasy, hairy, adult males trying to smell like a basket of posies. As such, I imagine this is a game that will be a little heavy on the offense, to the degree that viewers openly mock the lack of defense. This game might seem entertaining from the boxscore, but it will probably get tedious to see each side allow more touchdowns than punts after the first half.

The Prediction: Pittsburgh- 48 Oregon State- 35

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl -12/31/2008
Boston College Eagles v. Vanderbilt Commodores
The Uniforms: This is a bit of weak match-up in terms of fashion. Vanderbilt looks like they're wearing hand me downs from another team. I can't think of any way a giant star or a black and gold outfit fit in with the Commodore mascot anyway. Of course the Eagles suffer a similar problem. Boston College's design is very much like an NFL team, except they seem to have had all the really fun and colorful touches stripped off. Still, at least the Eagles have a consistent appearance and sound design. I'll just call for a Boston College with a decent margin of victory.

The Sponsor: I can just imagine all the obvious and highly offensive jokes the other bloggers are using when they talk about this bowl. For my part, I can't actually recall ever staying in or even seeing a Gaylord Hotel before. This must be due to their extreme rarity and exclusivity. Accordingly we can expect the score for this game to be a combination of rare numbers that aren't considered natural to the game of football. When you see the score flash across a ticker on the bottom of the screen, you might assume it's a baseball score at first. I always find those kinds of games enjoyable in the same way I always take a chance to stay at a special hotel.

The Prediction: Boston College- 11 Vanderbilt- 5

Chick-fil-A Bowl -12/31/2008
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets v. Louisiana State Tigers
The Uniforms: For a team with multiple national championships, LSU has some goofy uniforms. The color combination is the sort of thing you get when you let a toddler have free reign over the Crayola Box of 8. Anything that leads to anyone associating tigers with yellow and purple has be damaging to society. The helmet logo seems antiquated to such a degree that I can't even imagine an era when it would have been cutting edge. This puts Georgia Tech in a pretty good position, except they aren't all that strong in their own right. They put a lot of emphasis on gold in the jersey which can be underwhelming as a focal color. Then they back it up with lots of white and some old school lettering, more weak choices. In the end, I favor the Yellow Jackets for having an appearance relevant to today's football culture.

The Sponsor: Chick-fil-A is almost the perfect fast food restaurant. Their menue is unique, universally delicious, and relatively healthy. Plus, I have never recieved bad service at a Chick-fil-A. The snag in the system is that they are closed on Sundays. I understand their reasons, but I feel like it's a bit of burden for everyone who doesn't give Sunday special reverence, or can't control their cravings for more than 24 hours. That's the glaring flaw in a sponsor that indicates a glaring problem will occur in this game. It will likely come as a blown call or fluke occurance that winds up being the deciding factor in the game. An otherwise enjoyable game will then have a frustrating memory forever associated with it, which is a shame.

The Prediction: Georgia Tech- 29 Louisiana State- 21

Insight Bowl -12/31/2008
Kansas Jayhawks v. Minnesota Golden Gophers
The Uniforms: Apologies to whoever actually did craft the Jayhawk's apparel, but it really looks like someone just swiped the uniforms of a certain professional football team from New York. It isn't a bad look to plagiarize. You get strong hues, an iconic logo, and an all-around memorable ensemble. Still, I have to frown on Kansas for using outfits that so clearly intimidate another team's. This means that Minnesota can be forgiven for many of their crimes against sartorial aesthetics . The wretchedly ugly color combination can be put behind us. The outdated logo is forgotten. Even the cartoon character mascot can even be overlooked. If you don't worry about all that then you have to admire the rustic charm of the Golden Gophers' uniforms. That charm is just enough to put Minnesota over Kansas.

The Sponsor: Insight technology services has the naming rights to this bowl. However the bowl is actually being run by the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl people. In my experience anytime you combine tortilla chips and advanced technology you usually wind up with a multitude of malfunctions and occasionally sparks. With this in mind, I can foresee a game that involves both teams struggling to execute. The players will be plagues with communication problems and difficulties finding their rhythm and pacing for most of the second half. Eventually they will settle down and play 30 minutes of respectable football as the coaches finally diagnosis and mend the root problem. That reminds me I need to call technical support . . .

The Prediction: Minnesota- 24 Kansas-17

With most of the major bowls now on the horizon, I will take a break to regroup and ready myself for more indepth blogging. For anyone following this exercise in the absurd, you spend a little time interacting with the real world now. It will save you thousands of dollars on therapy bills later on in life. Just be sure to return for more Arbitrary Bowl Prediction.