In an earlier post I mentioned that I sometimes write comedy sketches as a way to amuse myself. Going through an old smartphone, I found one I wrote a ways back. It's just two characters discussing a piece of pop culture ephemera. Basically I just ripped off the format of Cracked's Today's Topic series of videos.Y'know from back in the day when Cracked.com produced original, high-quality videos. Before they fired all their best creators who are now producing original, high-quality videos on their own. So the initial reference point is a little dated now, but the heart of the piece is still as a relevant as ever. It's a compelling and thought-provoking breakdown of the WORST [clap emoji] SPIN-OFF [clap emoji] EVER! [clap emoji] [clap emoji] [clap emoji]
EXTERIOR NIGHT, THE SECOND MOON OF ENDOR, NOT THE ONE WITH THE EWOKS, THE OTHER ONE*
PERSON A: I am really excited for the Fast & Furious spin-off movie starring Jason Statham and The Rock.
PERSON B: You aren't disappointed that Hollywood is so creatively bankrupt they're spinning off second tier characters instead of producing fresh movies based on new ideas?
A: Not at all. Spin-offs are a time honored Hollywood tradition. Hobbs & Shaw is far from the worst example.
B: So what would you call the worst spin-off ever?
A: Did you know there was a Mrs. Columbo?
B: Of course Columbo talked about his wife all the time in the old TV show.
A: No, I mean there was a spin-off television series called Mrs. Columbo that followed the adventures of Columbo's wife, Kate.
B: Wasn't the gag in the original Columbo shows that we never saw his wife?
A: Exactly.
B: So how did they make a spin-off out of an unseen character? Does that really count as a spin-off?
A: Apparently it does if you claim the show is directly based on a previous series. So you just cast some actor and call her the wife of a beloved TV detective.
B: So what actor did they find to play a woman tough and worldly enough to bust Lieutenant Columbo's hump?
A: Kate Mulgrew.
B: Captain Janeway!? When did this happen?
A: 1979, just after Columbo's first cancellation.
B: Wait, how old was she then? Because she was 40 when she was started on Voyager, right?
A: Yup. So she was 24 when she did this.
B: And Peter Falk was in his 50's when Columbo ended its run on NBC? Ugh! It must have been gross for audiences to watch old Rumplecoatskin kiss his child bride.
A: Don't worry. Peter Falk never appeared on the spin-off.
B: That makes sense. He probably needed a break from the character. Oh, I get it! They reversed the gag. So in Mrs. Columbo her husband the detective is always off-screen and these are like the scenes of what's happening while he's off doing policework. I like it. Very Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead.
A: Except that wasn't the premise. In fact, she wasn't even married to Columbo for the entire series. They had them get divorced between episodes and changed the lead character's name to Kate Callahan.
B: How can you have a show called "Mrs. Columbo" without any character named "Columbo" in it?
A: They changed the title of the show to Kate the Detective.
B: Does that mean in the world of the show a police lieutenant is married to another cop?
A: No, she was a reporter. That may have been part of the reason why they changed the title again to Kate Loves a Mystery.
B: Good gravy! Two title changes and an off-screen divorce? How long did this show run!?
A: Thirteen episodes.
B: That's insane!
A: I know! It's like somebody's fan-fiction ran wild and wound up as a TV show that actually got broadcast on a national network.
B: I guess compared to that, the expanding Fast & Furi-verse seems reasonable.
A: Precisely. So stop worrying about what kinds of movies are getting made and just enjoy that they're being made well.
B: Even the Dark Universe doesn't seem so bad.
A: Let's not go crazy.
-FIN-
*It doesn't matter where this scene takes place, so just imagine whatever setting you find most entertaining.
Showing posts with label script. Show all posts
Showing posts with label script. Show all posts
Monday, June 03, 2019
Wednesday, January 09, 2019
Another comedy sketch
 |
| Cover of an issue Jabberwock: a Monthly Magazine for Boys and Girls |
Writing comedy sketches has become one of my favorite pastimes for when I just want to entertain myself. If you've been keeping track of this blog through the years, you may have noticed I have posted a couple of scripts on this blog in the past. I enjoy playing with language and dialogue. It helps give me respite from the drudgery of working on longer projects. So when I have a funny idea I like to run with it as an amusing mental exercise. In doing that I have produced a scenelet (with apologies to Lewis Carroll), which you can read below.
INTERIOR DAY, A COURTROOM
(THE JUDGE is seated on the bench at the center of one side of the room, seated next to him is a WITNESS, at a table opposite sits an ATTORNEY.)
JUDGE: Counselor, you may now question the witness.
ATTORNEY: (Stands) Thank you, Your Honor. Now, sir, I want to go back to the day the events in question happened. To start, can you please describe what you remember about the day in general?
WITNESS: 'Twas brillig.
ATTORNEY: I'm sorry. It was what?
WITNESS: Brillig.
ATTORNEY: I don't know what "brillig" means.
WITNESS: It's a perfectly cromulent word.
ATTORNEY: Could you use it in a sentence?
WITNESS: "The hooker noticed it was a brillig day."
ATTORNEY: Is brillig a term from the world of prostitution?
WITNESS: No! Certainly not. Why would you think that?
ATTORNEY: You mentioned a hooker in your example!
JUDGE: Let's try to move it along, counselor.
ATTORNEY: Of course, your honor. Besides being "brillig", what else do remember about that day? What was happening before the events?
WITNESS: The slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
ATTORNEY: Did you say "slimy troves"?
WITNESS: No. Slithy. Toves. Toves which are slithy.
ATTORNEY: And these (makes air quotes) "slithy toves" were doing what?
WITNESS: They did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
ATTORNEY: Gyre and gimble? Because of the wabe?
WITNESS: Well, in the wabe, not necessarily because of it.
ATTORNEY: Naturally. Anything else?
WITNESS: All mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe.
ATTORNEY: We're just going to skip past that. Did you speak with anyone that day?
WITNESS: Yes, my father.
ATTORNEY: And what did he say to you?
WITNESS: Before I left he said to me, "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
ATTORNEY: Now that sounds important. Why what is it about (makes air quotes) "Jabberwock" that you would need to beware of?
WITNESS: The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
ATTORNEY: Okay, things are finally making sense. Was there anything else your father said you should beware of?
WITNESS: The Jubjub bird.
ATTORNEY: Excuse me?
WITNESS: Oh, and I should shun the Bandersnatch.
ATTORNEY: What is happening!?
JUDGE: Excuse me, but did you say "shun the Bandersnatch"?
WITNESS: Yes. If it's frumious.
JUDGE: I understand then. You may proceed, counselor.
ATTORNEY: When your father said this to you, did you understand what he meant?
WITNESS: Honestly, at first I didn't understand anything he said.
ATTORNEY: That make two of us. So what did you think he was saying with all this talk of Jabberwocks, Jubjubs, and Bandersnatches?
WITNESS: I thought he might be trying to tell me not to hire a hooker.
ATTORNEY: Were you going to hire a hooker?
WITNESS: No! Certainly not. Why would you think that?
ATTORNEY: You just told us you thought your father was talking about hookers.
WITNESS: I may like getting my tove slithy as much as the next man, but I don't pay for it.
JUDGE: Counselor, this witness is not here to answer questions about your bizarre hooker obsession.
ATTORNEY: Your Honor!? Fine. After your father gave you this warning, did you take any precautions when you went out?
WITNESS: I took my vorpal sword in hand.
ATTORNEY: I'm sorry, what is (makes air quotes) "vorpal"?
JUDGE: Counselor, if you make those finger quotes one more time, I will bop you with my gavel.
ATTORNEY: I'm sorry, your honor. I won't do it again. I have just never heard of a vorpal sword.
WITNESS: It's a sword that's vorpalic.
ATTORNEY: Right.
WITNESS: Obviously I wouldn't carry a sword in vorpality, but those were extraordinary circumstances.
ATTORNEY: And then what did you do?
WITNESS: Long time the manxome foe I sought.
ATTORNEY: Wait, (raises fingers to make air quotes but pulls them back while cutting sentence short) did you say manx-
JUDGE: (Pointing gavel at ATTORNEY) Don't test me.
ATTORNEY: What happened next?
WITNESS: So I rested by the Tumtum tree and stood awhile in thought.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall what you thought at that time?
WITNESS: Not exactly. I just remember my thoughts were uffish.
ATTORNEY: Uh-huh. But it was at this moment that thinks took a turn, wasn't it?
WITNESS: The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame, came whiffling through the tulgey wood, and burbled as it came!
ATTORNEY: I still don't understand a lot of what you just said, but please tell us, what did you do then?
WITNESS: One, two! One, two! And through and through the vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
ATTORNEY: Your honor, could you instruct the witness to respond to the question?
JUDGE: He is responding, counselor, if you would pay attention.
WITNESS: I left it dead, and with its head I went galumphing back.
ATTORNEY: Did you say (makes air quotes) "galumphing"
(JUDGE strikes ATTORNEY on head with gavel, ATTORNEY shouts in pain)
JUDGE: I warned you.
ATTORNEY: Upon your return did you speak with anyone.
WITNESS: Yes, my father chortled in his you, "And hast thous slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
ATTORNEY: So now we can add frabjous, callooh, and callay to the list of words you've said today that I do not understand.
JUDGE: Don't forget beamish.
ATTORNEY: Thank you, Your Honor.
JUDGE: And what about chortle?
ATTORNEY: Actually, I think I got that one. It means to sort of laugh, right?
WITNESS: Yes, but in a frabjous sort of way. Not like when you outgrabe.
ATTORNEY: Thank you. Is there anything else you would like to share with the court.
WITNESS: I would just like to reiterate: 'twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe. Oh, and I did hire a hooker after all.
ATTORNEY: Your honor, I think I've proven my point.
JUDGE: I agree. This witness is competent to stand trial. (Gavels) What's next?
ATTORNEY: Next, I would like to review my motion in the case of Alice v. West Hampton Looking Glass Co.
-SCENE-
Friday, May 22, 2015
Hey, SNL! I got yer brilliant political satire right here.
Previously I have written scripts for political pieces and comedy pieces. In this entry, I will combine the two in a satirical sketch like what Saturday Night Live does to open their show. So as you read the following feel free to imagine you favorite "Not Ready for Primetime Players" performing the scene (f'rinstance I've always been partial to Amy Poehler's version of Hillary Clinton).
_________________________________________
O'Malley Press Conference
INTERIOR, DAY: THE EVENT ROOM OF A BALTIMORE AREA HOTEL
(A podium sits center stage facing the audience. Chairs are arranged on either side. Several REPORTERS are seated, but there are clearly more seats than seated. A banner reading "O'Malley" hangs behind the podium. GOVERNOR O'MALLEY ENTERS)
O'MALLEY: Thank you all for coming out. I imagine most of you came because we promised free beer and pizza, but before we get to that I would like to make an announcement. (reading) "When we began this campaign together, I hoped that we could unite America in a common . . ."
REPORTER 1: (Interrupting) Excuse me, but who are you?
O'MALLEY: I'm Martin O'Malley. What did you think the banner was for?
REPORTER 1: I just thought "O'Malley's" was the bar that supplied the beer.
O'MALLEY: If I could finish my announcement please. "When we began this campaign together, I hoped . . ."
REPORTER 2: (Interrupting) Sorry, but campaign for what?
O'MALLEY: President. I have been running for President for about the last three months.
REPORTER 3: President of the United States?
O'MALLEY: Yes. Though, I'm not surprised you didn't know that. No reporters came to my campaign launch. That's why I promised the free pizza and beer this time.
REPORTER 4: Are you a Republican?
O'MALLEY: No.
REPORTER 4: Are you Elizabeth Warren?
O'MALLEY: What? No, I'm Martin O'Malley. I'm a Democrat, and I was Governor of Maryland for eight years.
REPORTER 2: Why are you running against Hillary Clinton?
O'MALLEY: To be perfectly honest, when I started my campaign I didn't think she was going to run.
(ALL REPORTERS laugh)
O'MALLEY: She had so many problems already, and then the e-mail scandal started. Did anyone believe that she was so power-hungry and egomaniacal that she would still run for president with all that baggage tied to her?
(ALL REPORTERS look to each other and nodding and saying things to indicate they readily believed that.)
O'MALLEY: Ever since she joined the race, it's been pretty clear I don't have a chance. No one will donate money to my campaign. No one shows up to my events. Be honest with me, how many of you are only here for the free pizza and beer, raise your hand?
(ALL REPORTERS raise their hands)
O'MALLEY: So we've reached the point where continuing this campaign would not make any sense either for myself or . . .
REPORTER 4: Are you Bernie Sanders?
O'MALLEY: No! Obviously, I have no hope to become the President of the United States, so I called this press conference to announce that I'm ending my campaign, and endorsing Hillary Clinton.
REPORTER 1: Sir, I don't mean any disrespect, but do you think anyone cares if Hillary Clinton has your endorsement?
(HILLARY CLINTON ENTERS)
CLINTON: I think I can answer that question.
REPORTER 2: Secretary Clinton! What are you doing here?
CLINTON: I'm like Beetlejuice. If you say my name three times, I'm there. (Steps behind podium, brushing O'MALLEY aside) Thank you, for that wonderful introduction governor. I will be taking over things now. Let's hear it for the Governor O'Malley from the great state of Connecticut.
O'MALLEY: Maryland.
CLINTON: No one cares. (Addressing REPORTERS) Ladies and other voters, I want to thank the Governor for acknowledging the inevitability of my victory. I look forward to the day when all Americans come together and realize that I must be President. And to help us reach that noble goal, I am officially endorsing Governor Martin O'Malley's endorsement of Hillary Clinton!
(ALL REPORTERS applaud)
CLINTON: You know you can trust Hillary Clinton, because you can trust Martin O'Malley, because you can trust Hillary Clinton.
O'MALLEY: Thank you, Secretary Clinton, I'm flattered that you would come here just to support me.
CLINTON: Actually, I came for the pizza and beer.
-SCENE-
_________________________________________
O'Malley Press Conference
INTERIOR, DAY: THE EVENT ROOM OF A BALTIMORE AREA HOTEL
(A podium sits center stage facing the audience. Chairs are arranged on either side. Several REPORTERS are seated, but there are clearly more seats than seated. A banner reading "O'Malley" hangs behind the podium. GOVERNOR O'MALLEY ENTERS)
O'MALLEY: Thank you all for coming out. I imagine most of you came because we promised free beer and pizza, but before we get to that I would like to make an announcement. (reading) "When we began this campaign together, I hoped that we could unite America in a common . . ."
REPORTER 1: (Interrupting) Excuse me, but who are you?
O'MALLEY: I'm Martin O'Malley. What did you think the banner was for?
REPORTER 1: I just thought "O'Malley's" was the bar that supplied the beer.
O'MALLEY: If I could finish my announcement please. "When we began this campaign together, I hoped . . ."
REPORTER 2: (Interrupting) Sorry, but campaign for what?
O'MALLEY: President. I have been running for President for about the last three months.
REPORTER 3: President of the United States?
O'MALLEY: Yes. Though, I'm not surprised you didn't know that. No reporters came to my campaign launch. That's why I promised the free pizza and beer this time.
REPORTER 4: Are you a Republican?
O'MALLEY: No.
REPORTER 4: Are you Elizabeth Warren?
O'MALLEY: What? No, I'm Martin O'Malley. I'm a Democrat, and I was Governor of Maryland for eight years.
REPORTER 2: Why are you running against Hillary Clinton?
O'MALLEY: To be perfectly honest, when I started my campaign I didn't think she was going to run.
(ALL REPORTERS laugh)
O'MALLEY: She had so many problems already, and then the e-mail scandal started. Did anyone believe that she was so power-hungry and egomaniacal that she would still run for president with all that baggage tied to her?
(ALL REPORTERS look to each other and nodding and saying things to indicate they readily believed that.)
O'MALLEY: Ever since she joined the race, it's been pretty clear I don't have a chance. No one will donate money to my campaign. No one shows up to my events. Be honest with me, how many of you are only here for the free pizza and beer, raise your hand?
(ALL REPORTERS raise their hands)
O'MALLEY: So we've reached the point where continuing this campaign would not make any sense either for myself or . . .
REPORTER 4: Are you Bernie Sanders?
O'MALLEY: No! Obviously, I have no hope to become the President of the United States, so I called this press conference to announce that I'm ending my campaign, and endorsing Hillary Clinton.
REPORTER 1: Sir, I don't mean any disrespect, but do you think anyone cares if Hillary Clinton has your endorsement?
(HILLARY CLINTON ENTERS)
CLINTON: I think I can answer that question.
REPORTER 2: Secretary Clinton! What are you doing here?
CLINTON: I'm like Beetlejuice. If you say my name three times, I'm there. (Steps behind podium, brushing O'MALLEY aside) Thank you, for that wonderful introduction governor. I will be taking over things now. Let's hear it for the Governor O'Malley from the great state of Connecticut.
O'MALLEY: Maryland.
CLINTON: No one cares. (Addressing REPORTERS) Ladies and other voters, I want to thank the Governor for acknowledging the inevitability of my victory. I look forward to the day when all Americans come together and realize that I must be President. And to help us reach that noble goal, I am officially endorsing Governor Martin O'Malley's endorsement of Hillary Clinton!
(ALL REPORTERS applaud)
CLINTON: You know you can trust Hillary Clinton, because you can trust Martin O'Malley, because you can trust Hillary Clinton.
O'MALLEY: Thank you, Secretary Clinton, I'm flattered that you would come here just to support me.
CLINTON: Actually, I came for the pizza and beer.
-SCENE-
Friday, November 14, 2014
Sketch Script: Achilles' Heel
EXTERIOR, DAY: AN ENCAMPMENT OF GREEK WARRIORS
(A crowd of warriors are gathered in a semicircle around two men, ODYSSEUS and ACHILLES. ALL are dressed in ancient-style armor and holding weapons and/or shields. ODYSSEUS and ACHILLES stand on a slightly elevated platform facing the others.)
ACHILLES: Take tonight to prepare for battle my Greek brothers for tomorrow will be our day of victory over Troy !
ALL cheer and wave their weapons in excitement.
ACHILLES: Tonight the Trojans hide behind their walls and celebrate their Festival of . . . (looks to ODYSSEUS who shrugs) I don't know, some dumb Trojan thing. We shall allow them to sing their songs and drink their wine, and in the morning they will be too sick to fight. Then we will conquer!
ALL cheer and wave their weapons again.
ACHILLES: So sharpen your swords, dress your wounds, and I want to see everyone getting a good night's sleep and eating a healthy breakfast. We will bring praise to Greece!
ALL: Praise to Greece!
ODYSSEUS: And praise to our leader, Achilles!
ALL: Praise to Achilles!
ACHILLES: (Feigning embarrassment) Oh, you guys I don't deserve a lot of special attention. Now get back to your camps. We assemble again in the morning.
(The crowd disperses off stage except for ACHILLES, ODYSSEUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, and NESTOR. AJAX, AGAMEMNON, and NESTOR form a group facing the audience. ACHILLES and ODYSSEUS turn to each other begin a conversation back stage of the others.)
NESTOR: Do you guys think this plan seems a little risky?
AJAX: What are you talking about?
AGAMEMNON: What could be risky about attacking a city of drunken Trojans?
NESTOR: That's the thing. I don't think sound military strategy is based on the assumption that your opponent will have a hangover.
AJAX: Oh, there's no doubt that they'll be sleeping it off. Trojans are known for their drinking.
(At this point ACHILLES and ODYSSEUS cross the stage behind the others.)
AGAMEMNON: Exactly right! Everyone knows that alcohol is their Achilles' heel.
ACHILLES: (barging into the group) Excuse me. What did you just say?
AGAMEMNON: Oh, Achilles, I didn't know you were listening.
ACHILLES: What did you say about my heel Agamemnon?
AJAX: Well since everyone knows your heels are the only weak spot on your body . . .
ACHILLES: (interrupting) Everyone knows about my heels?! That was supposed to be a secret!
AGAMEMNON: Sorry, I had no idea you didn't want people to know that.
ACHILLES: Let's see, I'm fighting in a war, and I am pretty much invulnerable. So, no, I didn't want people to talk about the one body part that the Trojans should aim at. How did you even know about it?
AGAMEMNON: Ajax told me.
AJAX: I heard it from Nestor.
NESTOR: I heard it from Homer, the poet. Actually, I think he's been telling a lot of people.
ACHILLES: That gossipy blind bastard! His eyes don't work, but his mouth sure does.
AGAMEMNON: It's just a really interesting story. It's on all the pots.
ACHILLES: Oh Gods...
NESTOR: It's not that big a deal. It's just an expression, like when you say you're caught between Scylla and Charybdis.
ODYSSEUS: Wait, what does that mean?
ACHILLES: Not now, Odysseus. What else do people say about me? Like do they say "Achilles' sword", or "Achilles' smile", or "Achilles' great looking hair"?
AGAMEMNON: No, it's pretty much just the heel thing.
ACHILLES: This is awful. I don't want the most famous thing about me to be my heel. For the love of Jesus!
ODYSSEUS: Who?
ACHILLES: I dunno.
NESTOR: Achilles, if we knew it bothered you, we never would have said it.
AJAX: Yeah, everyone knows how angry you can get.
ACHILLES: (starting to yell) Then why don't people say "Achilles' anger"?!
AJAX: Man, maybe anger is your Achilles' heel.
ACHILLES: Stop saying that!
ODYSSEUS: Yeah, it doesn't even make sense. We know his Achilles' heel is his heel. (ACHILLES glares at him)
ACHILLES: Okay, until the Trojans are defeated, I am ordering everyone to stop talking about my one weakness.
AGAMEMNON: You know, Achilles, having a vulnerable heel may not be such a big deal, if you didn't always wear sandals.
NESTOR: That is true. We Greeks don't have the most protective footwear.
AJAX: Maybe you should pray for something sturdier and more protective
ACHILLES: What god do you pray to for better shoes?
AGAMEMNON: I would go with the goddess of victory.
ACHILLES: You mean Nike?
-SCENE-
(A crowd of warriors are gathered in a semicircle around two men, ODYSSEUS and ACHILLES. ALL are dressed in ancient-style armor and holding weapons and/or shields. ODYSSEUS and ACHILLES stand on a slightly elevated platform facing the others.)
ACHILLES: Take tonight to prepare for battle my Greek brothers for tomorrow will be our day of victory over Troy !
ALL cheer and wave their weapons in excitement.
ACHILLES: Tonight the Trojans hide behind their walls and celebrate their Festival of . . . (looks to ODYSSEUS who shrugs) I don't know, some dumb Trojan thing. We shall allow them to sing their songs and drink their wine, and in the morning they will be too sick to fight. Then we will conquer!
ALL cheer and wave their weapons again.
ACHILLES: So sharpen your swords, dress your wounds, and I want to see everyone getting a good night's sleep and eating a healthy breakfast. We will bring praise to Greece!
ALL: Praise to Greece!
ODYSSEUS: And praise to our leader, Achilles!
ALL: Praise to Achilles!
ACHILLES: (Feigning embarrassment) Oh, you guys I don't deserve a lot of special attention. Now get back to your camps. We assemble again in the morning.
(The crowd disperses off stage except for ACHILLES, ODYSSEUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, and NESTOR. AJAX, AGAMEMNON, and NESTOR form a group facing the audience. ACHILLES and ODYSSEUS turn to each other begin a conversation back stage of the others.)
NESTOR: Do you guys think this plan seems a little risky?
AJAX: What are you talking about?
AGAMEMNON: What could be risky about attacking a city of drunken Trojans?
NESTOR: That's the thing. I don't think sound military strategy is based on the assumption that your opponent will have a hangover.
AJAX: Oh, there's no doubt that they'll be sleeping it off. Trojans are known for their drinking.
(At this point ACHILLES and ODYSSEUS cross the stage behind the others.)
AGAMEMNON: Exactly right! Everyone knows that alcohol is their Achilles' heel.
ACHILLES: (barging into the group) Excuse me. What did you just say?
AGAMEMNON: Oh, Achilles, I didn't know you were listening.
ACHILLES: What did you say about my heel Agamemnon?
AJAX: Well since everyone knows your heels are the only weak spot on your body . . .
ACHILLES: (interrupting) Everyone knows about my heels?! That was supposed to be a secret!
AGAMEMNON: Sorry, I had no idea you didn't want people to know that.
ACHILLES: Let's see, I'm fighting in a war, and I am pretty much invulnerable. So, no, I didn't want people to talk about the one body part that the Trojans should aim at. How did you even know about it?
AGAMEMNON: Ajax told me.
AJAX: I heard it from Nestor.
NESTOR: I heard it from Homer, the poet. Actually, I think he's been telling a lot of people.
ACHILLES: That gossipy blind bastard! His eyes don't work, but his mouth sure does.
AGAMEMNON: It's just a really interesting story. It's on all the pots.
ACHILLES: Oh Gods...
NESTOR: It's not that big a deal. It's just an expression, like when you say you're caught between Scylla and Charybdis.
ODYSSEUS: Wait, what does that mean?
ACHILLES: Not now, Odysseus. What else do people say about me? Like do they say "Achilles' sword", or "Achilles' smile", or "Achilles' great looking hair"?
AGAMEMNON: No, it's pretty much just the heel thing.
ACHILLES: This is awful. I don't want the most famous thing about me to be my heel. For the love of Jesus!
ODYSSEUS: Who?
ACHILLES: I dunno.
NESTOR: Achilles, if we knew it bothered you, we never would have said it.
AJAX: Yeah, everyone knows how angry you can get.
ACHILLES: (starting to yell) Then why don't people say "Achilles' anger"?!
AJAX: Man, maybe anger is your Achilles' heel.
ACHILLES: Stop saying that!
ODYSSEUS: Yeah, it doesn't even make sense. We know his Achilles' heel is his heel. (ACHILLES glares at him)
ACHILLES: Okay, until the Trojans are defeated, I am ordering everyone to stop talking about my one weakness.
AGAMEMNON: You know, Achilles, having a vulnerable heel may not be such a big deal, if you didn't always wear sandals.
NESTOR: That is true. We Greeks don't have the most protective footwear.
AJAX: Maybe you should pray for something sturdier and more protective
ACHILLES: What god do you pray to for better shoes?
AGAMEMNON: I would go with the goddess of victory.
ACHILLES: You mean Nike?
-SCENE-
Friday, June 06, 2008
Clinton and Obama's meeting- As a One Act Play!
The popular press and Internet have been positively buzzing about the clandestine meeting between Senator (and now presumptive Democratic nominee for president) Barack Obama and Senator (and still potential candidate for the presidency) Hillary Clinton. It was reportedly held on the evening of June 6th, 2008 in a Washington D.C. area home. In our era of hyperconnectivity and ceaseless news chatter, they some how managed to keep this almost perfectly secret until after the fact.
This fascinated me. Regardless of political affiliation any American would have to have some interest in a meeting where these two major political figures went head-to-head, doubly so if they did so without any press or staffers watching. I am intrigued by the secret movements and moments of those in power, and both Obama and Clinton come with a fair amount of mystery already. Plus, in terms of secret moments this was a doozy. This was the political equivalent of the world's largest tree falling in the woods and no one being there to see if it made a sound. So my mind just leapt into action imagining what might have transpired behind those closed doors. With nothing else to do with my wild fantasies I committed them to the page in the form of a modest one act play (even that is generous it's more of a sketch minus the comedy). I felt a strange pride in what I had wrought, so I decided to share it with Internet. I have therefore published it in the body of this post. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed making it.
One other note for liability purposes. This is all speculation. I have NO affiliation with either the Clinton or the Obama campaigns. I have not contributed to them, volunteered for them, and I have not sought the opportunity to do so. There's no way of knowing if any of this was actually said, and in fact parts of it have been factually disproved already. Still I kept those elements in because they fit a larger narrative of the campaign and serve the theme of the scene. Try not to let questions of accuracy obscure your reading of this work. It is meant more to capture the "voice" and "character" of these to figures then it is to guess at the blow-by-blow of actual events. As a historian I am awe struck that such a moment could go unwitnessed and unrecorded, so to supplement -but hopefully NOT falsify- the historic record, I submit the following: a outsiders summation of where these two political titans stood at the end of an unprecedented political contest, and how they related to each other.
___________________________________________________________________
The Smoke Filled Room
(INTERIOR: A stately dining room in a Washington D.C. area mansion. A single long table with fourteen seats- because after much discussion it was decided that fourteen seats, no more and no less, was the appropriate number to have- dominates the center of the room. This does not resemble a high level business meeting. There aren’t many provisions, no LCD projectors or binders filled with information. There is a tea cart next to the wall opposite the double doors with a coffee pot and an open box of bagels that has already been picked over, a wastebasket sitting on the floor next to the cart. HILLARY stands near the head of the table, or is it the foot? She wears a look of intense concentration; we can see the gears turning in her head. Around her buzz half a dozen staffers, some standing, some sitting, some snacking, some chatting, most looking nervous, ALL dressed sharply even by their standards. They are all clearly waiting for a moment that should have come seven minutes ago.)
(One side of the double doors opens STAFFER #1 pops her head in.)
STAFFER #1
He’s here.
(The room is a flurry of activity. STAFFERS gulp their coffee and finish off their bagels. ALL stand and fix their appearance to be ready for his arrival. Only HILLARY is unchanged only turning to face the door.)
(ENTER BARACK. He wears a suit without a tie and a smile without a hint of smugness. Throughout all that is to follow he never stops giving the impression that he is having the time of his life. STAFFER #1 hold one of the doors for him, then returns to the hall. HILLARY crosses the room to great him.)
HILLARY
(Offering her hand)
Senator Obama, thank you for coming. I’m glad you agreed to this meeting.
BARACK
(Accepting her handshake)
Senator Clinton. Thank you for being willing to meet.
HILLARY
Well, I’m sure we’d all love to get started. (Gesturing to the door) So if you want to call your staff in from the hall, we can go ahead.
BARACK
(Cordially) Oh, I thought he had agreed to a private meeting.
HILLARY
(Smiles and nods as she considers this)
Absolutely. (To STAFFERS) You can go now.
(STAFFERS assemble anything they had brought in and quickly file out the double doors, to wait in the hall. EXIT STAFFERS)
HILLARY
We were just wrapping up. We usually meet around this time, so I figured we could just bump that meeting up and use it to segue into this.
BARACK
Hillary. It’s over.
HILLARY
(Thinks for two beats.)
Nothing is over until the vote in August.
BARACK
When you use to litigate, did you ever let a case go to deliberations without knowing exactly how it would turn out?
HILLARY
I still have certain rights.
BARACK
You do have rights. (Makes his way over to the tea cart and starts making himself a cup of coffee.) Look, I have the delegates. I have the media narrative on my side. I have the votes in the credentials committee. I have a list of at least 80 of your delegates who would have to vote down any minority report brought to the floor. I have charts and spread sheets to track all-
HILLARY
(Interrupting)Those delegates can still change their minds. Nothing is certain until Denver.
BARACK
Some of them might change their minds sure. You’ve been shaking that tree for awhile now though, and I don’t think you have much fruit to show for it.
HILLARY
Your support isn’t as strong as you think.
BARACK
Yes, it is. Among the delegates, it is. And my people have put together these charts, like I was saying before. We know which of your supporters need help fundraising. Which of them are counting on high minority turnout. We know which of them have weak polling among independents. It’s over.
HILLARY
Lot of things can still happen. It’s far too early to start saying anything is over.
BARACK
Was there anything I said that wasn’t true?
HILLARY
I agree that’s the way things stand right now.
BARACK
Then it’s over. (Sips his coffee) All that’s left is to say the words.
HILLARY
There are millions of voters who supported me. They aren’t going to accept it’s over that easily. They’re going to want to keep on fighting.
BARACK
Weak coffee. (Pours the rest into the wastebasket) Those voters have time to come around. We’re going to bring them around. If you want, I can show you our plan. Listen, we have issue ads, high profile supporters, and a multi-city tour. Plus, you’ve seen the polls. Most of them are going to want to support the Democrat in the end.
HILLARY
Not all of them.
BARACK
Yeah, there seem to be some people in Appalachia who have a problem with me being the nominee. I wonder why that could be.
HILLARY
There it is again! The race card. My supporters are not just a collection of bigots and racists. There are millions of women who feel offended by the way my campaign was treated.
BARACK
(Firmly, perhaps overly so) I never said anything about race. (Half a beat then softer) I understand what those women are feeling. I know what it’s like to be talked down to. But their problem is with the people they see on TV, not with me. Look all they are going to hear from now until November is that I am going to be better for women’s interest that John McCain. They’ll hear it from people they trust. They’ll hear it from people they know. We have it all planned out.
HILLARY
But what are you actually going to say to the people who think I should take this fight to the convention floor?
BARACK
I am going to tell them that I am honored and proud to belong to the same party as Hillary Clinton, who has spent her life being a leader, a fighter, and an honorable person, who is a model for all of us. And I will continue to say that unless you for some reason should part ways from the Democratic Party. Listen, I fully intend to fight for every vote in this country. We know I won’t win them all, but what’s most important to us and to our party is that we don’t ignore any voters.
HILLARY
Well what am I supposed to say to all the people who voted for me, and supported through the entire primary season? What do I say to them?
BARACK
We can figure that out together. I’m sure you have people writing drafts. I had people writing my introduction for you. What matters is that you agree to say it standing next to me in front of an audience and the media. And that we do that soon.
(Crumples up the coffee cup and shoots it like a basketball at the wastebasket. It goes in. BARACK does a silent fist pump. Turns back to HILLARY really listening this time.)
HILLARY
If I agree to say it’s over. . . (Rolls around the flavor of that in her mouth)
If I agree, what’s on the table?
BARACK
(Looks at the conference table) There isn’t anything on the table. There are some bagels over on the cart.
HILLARY
You know what I meant.
BARACK
I’m not going to bully you and act like I’ve worked out some kind of punishment if you don’t do this. I’m not going to insult you and rattle off data showing why it helps you out in the long run. I’m here to tell you its time to do this, because it’s really the only option left. Everything else would just take options off the table. You do this now and everything is still available.
HILLARY
What about sharing the ticket?
BARACK
Your name is on a short list.
HILLARY
Is my name really on a short list, or is that just what you’re going to tell the press?
BARACK
You’re name is really on a short list. That list gets a lot shorter if we end this together.
HILLARY
I don’t know if I can afford to stop now. I put a lot into this campaign.
BARACK
Governor Dean and I are talking with some donors. We can put together a package to help some of that.
HILLARY
Some of it?
BARACK
We’ll also be drumming up some good business for the former President. By this time next year you should be back to where you started.
(Reach into his pocket and takes out a necktie. He starts to tie it around his neck)
HILLARY
I’m still not convinced that you’re ready for the general. I don’t know if you can beat John McCain once the Republicans really get theirsights set on you.
BARACK
We've known that's been coming for a long time. You can see our plan, we're ready. Besides, I think we both know that you are a much tougher opponent than John McCain.
HILLARY
Even if you will win, there are still plenty of Americans who don’t think you’re ready for the job.
BARACK
Without prior conditions I met with you to negotiate the end of this campaign. Look at what we’ve been able to agree to since I arrived. (As he finishes up his tie) I know people have doubts about me, but I also know your not one of those people.
HILLARY
Well, I wouldn’t say that.
BARACK
You have some doubts?
HILLARY
Not doubts, more like questions. I want to make sure of certain things.
BARACK
What else could you want?
HILLARY
What I want is . . . (No, not even now, she still won’t let it slip. She just turns to BARACK and smiles) In the end it was never about what I wanted. Let me get my staff in here.
(As soon as HILLARY says it ENTER STAFFERS, pouring into the room. They clearly have the look of a half dozen people who were all standing with their ears to the key hole. Some even look embarrassed. STAFFER #2 carrying a legal pad walks straight to HILLARY. STAFFER #3 makes his way to the table and pulls out a chair.)
STAFFER #2
Senator Clinton if you and Senator Obama would like to plan a joint event. We have some suggestions for times and locations that we think would fit into your upcoming schedule.
HILLARY
I think we can change the schedule to accommodate Senator Obama’s request.
BARACK
Next Wednesday, 5:30pm Cincinnati, Ohio. We’ll send you the specifics tomorrow.
(STAFFER #2 makes a note of this. STAFFER #3 lowers himself into the chair)
HILLARY
(Spotting STAFFER #3)
Don’t sit! You don’t sit while he stands. (nods to BARACK).
STAFFER #3
(To HILLARY) Sorry, Senator. (To BARACK) Sorry, Senator.
BARACK
I’m sorry I could only stop by for a few minutes. They need me to get on a plane soon.
HILLARY
I’m glad we had this meeting Senator.
(BARACK starts to move to the door.)
HILLARY
(To the two STAFFERS nearest the double door)
If you could help Senator Obama on his way out. . .
(The STAFFERS swing both sides of the door open for EXIT BARACK. He exits as if entering a larger stage to face a bigger audience. A moment after he exits, STAFFER #2 turns to HILLARY.)
STAFFER #2
Senator, I’m not sure what was said just now, but I think we can still discuss quite a few options for you moving forward-
HILLARY
(Interrupting) No. (Three full beats as the STAFFERS wait in silence and the last 35 years play across HILLARY’s face) It’s over.
-FIN-
This fascinated me. Regardless of political affiliation any American would have to have some interest in a meeting where these two major political figures went head-to-head, doubly so if they did so without any press or staffers watching. I am intrigued by the secret movements and moments of those in power, and both Obama and Clinton come with a fair amount of mystery already. Plus, in terms of secret moments this was a doozy. This was the political equivalent of the world's largest tree falling in the woods and no one being there to see if it made a sound. So my mind just leapt into action imagining what might have transpired behind those closed doors. With nothing else to do with my wild fantasies I committed them to the page in the form of a modest one act play (even that is generous it's more of a sketch minus the comedy). I felt a strange pride in what I had wrought, so I decided to share it with Internet. I have therefore published it in the body of this post. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed making it.
One other note for liability purposes. This is all speculation. I have NO affiliation with either the Clinton or the Obama campaigns. I have not contributed to them, volunteered for them, and I have not sought the opportunity to do so. There's no way of knowing if any of this was actually said, and in fact parts of it have been factually disproved already. Still I kept those elements in because they fit a larger narrative of the campaign and serve the theme of the scene. Try not to let questions of accuracy obscure your reading of this work. It is meant more to capture the "voice" and "character" of these to figures then it is to guess at the blow-by-blow of actual events. As a historian I am awe struck that such a moment could go unwitnessed and unrecorded, so to supplement -but hopefully NOT falsify- the historic record, I submit the following: a outsiders summation of where these two political titans stood at the end of an unprecedented political contest, and how they related to each other.
___________________________________________________________________
The Smoke Filled Room
(INTERIOR: A stately dining room in a Washington D.C. area mansion. A single long table with fourteen seats- because after much discussion it was decided that fourteen seats, no more and no less, was the appropriate number to have- dominates the center of the room. This does not resemble a high level business meeting. There aren’t many provisions, no LCD projectors or binders filled with information. There is a tea cart next to the wall opposite the double doors with a coffee pot and an open box of bagels that has already been picked over, a wastebasket sitting on the floor next to the cart. HILLARY stands near the head of the table, or is it the foot? She wears a look of intense concentration; we can see the gears turning in her head. Around her buzz half a dozen staffers, some standing, some sitting, some snacking, some chatting, most looking nervous, ALL dressed sharply even by their standards. They are all clearly waiting for a moment that should have come seven minutes ago.)
(One side of the double doors opens STAFFER #1 pops her head in.)
STAFFER #1
He’s here.
(The room is a flurry of activity. STAFFERS gulp their coffee and finish off their bagels. ALL stand and fix their appearance to be ready for his arrival. Only HILLARY is unchanged only turning to face the door.)
(ENTER BARACK. He wears a suit without a tie and a smile without a hint of smugness. Throughout all that is to follow he never stops giving the impression that he is having the time of his life. STAFFER #1 hold one of the doors for him, then returns to the hall. HILLARY crosses the room to great him.)
HILLARY
(Offering her hand)
Senator Obama, thank you for coming. I’m glad you agreed to this meeting.
BARACK
(Accepting her handshake)
Senator Clinton. Thank you for being willing to meet.
HILLARY
Well, I’m sure we’d all love to get started. (Gesturing to the door) So if you want to call your staff in from the hall, we can go ahead.
BARACK
(Cordially) Oh, I thought he had agreed to a private meeting.
HILLARY
(Smiles and nods as she considers this)
Absolutely. (To STAFFERS) You can go now.
(STAFFERS assemble anything they had brought in and quickly file out the double doors, to wait in the hall. EXIT STAFFERS)
HILLARY
We were just wrapping up. We usually meet around this time, so I figured we could just bump that meeting up and use it to segue into this.
BARACK
Hillary. It’s over.
HILLARY
(Thinks for two beats.)
Nothing is over until the vote in August.
BARACK
When you use to litigate, did you ever let a case go to deliberations without knowing exactly how it would turn out?
HILLARY
I still have certain rights.
BARACK
You do have rights. (Makes his way over to the tea cart and starts making himself a cup of coffee.) Look, I have the delegates. I have the media narrative on my side. I have the votes in the credentials committee. I have a list of at least 80 of your delegates who would have to vote down any minority report brought to the floor. I have charts and spread sheets to track all-
HILLARY
(Interrupting)Those delegates can still change their minds. Nothing is certain until Denver.
BARACK
Some of them might change their minds sure. You’ve been shaking that tree for awhile now though, and I don’t think you have much fruit to show for it.
HILLARY
Your support isn’t as strong as you think.
BARACK
Yes, it is. Among the delegates, it is. And my people have put together these charts, like I was saying before. We know which of your supporters need help fundraising. Which of them are counting on high minority turnout. We know which of them have weak polling among independents. It’s over.
HILLARY
Lot of things can still happen. It’s far too early to start saying anything is over.
BARACK
Was there anything I said that wasn’t true?
HILLARY
I agree that’s the way things stand right now.
BARACK
Then it’s over. (Sips his coffee) All that’s left is to say the words.
HILLARY
There are millions of voters who supported me. They aren’t going to accept it’s over that easily. They’re going to want to keep on fighting.
BARACK
Weak coffee. (Pours the rest into the wastebasket) Those voters have time to come around. We’re going to bring them around. If you want, I can show you our plan. Listen, we have issue ads, high profile supporters, and a multi-city tour. Plus, you’ve seen the polls. Most of them are going to want to support the Democrat in the end.
HILLARY
Not all of them.
BARACK
Yeah, there seem to be some people in Appalachia who have a problem with me being the nominee. I wonder why that could be.
HILLARY
There it is again! The race card. My supporters are not just a collection of bigots and racists. There are millions of women who feel offended by the way my campaign was treated.
BARACK
(Firmly, perhaps overly so) I never said anything about race. (Half a beat then softer) I understand what those women are feeling. I know what it’s like to be talked down to. But their problem is with the people they see on TV, not with me. Look all they are going to hear from now until November is that I am going to be better for women’s interest that John McCain. They’ll hear it from people they trust. They’ll hear it from people they know. We have it all planned out.
HILLARY
But what are you actually going to say to the people who think I should take this fight to the convention floor?
BARACK
I am going to tell them that I am honored and proud to belong to the same party as Hillary Clinton, who has spent her life being a leader, a fighter, and an honorable person, who is a model for all of us. And I will continue to say that unless you for some reason should part ways from the Democratic Party. Listen, I fully intend to fight for every vote in this country. We know I won’t win them all, but what’s most important to us and to our party is that we don’t ignore any voters.
HILLARY
Well what am I supposed to say to all the people who voted for me, and supported through the entire primary season? What do I say to them?
BARACK
We can figure that out together. I’m sure you have people writing drafts. I had people writing my introduction for you. What matters is that you agree to say it standing next to me in front of an audience and the media. And that we do that soon.
(Crumples up the coffee cup and shoots it like a basketball at the wastebasket. It goes in. BARACK does a silent fist pump. Turns back to HILLARY really listening this time.)
HILLARY
If I agree to say it’s over. . . (Rolls around the flavor of that in her mouth)
If I agree, what’s on the table?
BARACK
(Looks at the conference table) There isn’t anything on the table. There are some bagels over on the cart.
HILLARY
You know what I meant.
BARACK
I’m not going to bully you and act like I’ve worked out some kind of punishment if you don’t do this. I’m not going to insult you and rattle off data showing why it helps you out in the long run. I’m here to tell you its time to do this, because it’s really the only option left. Everything else would just take options off the table. You do this now and everything is still available.
HILLARY
What about sharing the ticket?
BARACK
Your name is on a short list.
HILLARY
Is my name really on a short list, or is that just what you’re going to tell the press?
BARACK
You’re name is really on a short list. That list gets a lot shorter if we end this together.
HILLARY
I don’t know if I can afford to stop now. I put a lot into this campaign.
BARACK
Governor Dean and I are talking with some donors. We can put together a package to help some of that.
HILLARY
Some of it?
BARACK
We’ll also be drumming up some good business for the former President. By this time next year you should be back to where you started.
(Reach into his pocket and takes out a necktie. He starts to tie it around his neck)
HILLARY
I’m still not convinced that you’re ready for the general. I don’t know if you can beat John McCain once the Republicans really get theirsights set on you.
BARACK
We've known that's been coming for a long time. You can see our plan, we're ready. Besides, I think we both know that you are a much tougher opponent than John McCain.
HILLARY
Even if you will win, there are still plenty of Americans who don’t think you’re ready for the job.
BARACK
Without prior conditions I met with you to negotiate the end of this campaign. Look at what we’ve been able to agree to since I arrived. (As he finishes up his tie) I know people have doubts about me, but I also know your not one of those people.
HILLARY
Well, I wouldn’t say that.
BARACK
You have some doubts?
HILLARY
Not doubts, more like questions. I want to make sure of certain things.
BARACK
What else could you want?
HILLARY
What I want is . . . (No, not even now, she still won’t let it slip. She just turns to BARACK and smiles) In the end it was never about what I wanted. Let me get my staff in here.
(As soon as HILLARY says it ENTER STAFFERS, pouring into the room. They clearly have the look of a half dozen people who were all standing with their ears to the key hole. Some even look embarrassed. STAFFER #2 carrying a legal pad walks straight to HILLARY. STAFFER #3 makes his way to the table and pulls out a chair.)
STAFFER #2
Senator Clinton if you and Senator Obama would like to plan a joint event. We have some suggestions for times and locations that we think would fit into your upcoming schedule.
HILLARY
I think we can change the schedule to accommodate Senator Obama’s request.
BARACK
Next Wednesday, 5:30pm Cincinnati, Ohio. We’ll send you the specifics tomorrow.
(STAFFER #2 makes a note of this. STAFFER #3 lowers himself into the chair)
HILLARY
(Spotting STAFFER #3)
Don’t sit! You don’t sit while he stands. (nods to BARACK).
STAFFER #3
(To HILLARY) Sorry, Senator. (To BARACK) Sorry, Senator.
BARACK
I’m sorry I could only stop by for a few minutes. They need me to get on a plane soon.
HILLARY
I’m glad we had this meeting Senator.
(BARACK starts to move to the door.)
HILLARY
(To the two STAFFERS nearest the double door)
If you could help Senator Obama on his way out. . .
(The STAFFERS swing both sides of the door open for EXIT BARACK. He exits as if entering a larger stage to face a bigger audience. A moment after he exits, STAFFER #2 turns to HILLARY.)
STAFFER #2
Senator, I’m not sure what was said just now, but I think we can still discuss quite a few options for you moving forward-
HILLARY
(Interrupting) No. (Three full beats as the STAFFERS wait in silence and the last 35 years play across HILLARY’s face) It’s over.
-FIN-
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