Another comedy sketch

Cover of an issue Jabberwock: a Monthly Magazine for Boys and Girls

Writing comedy sketches has become one of my favorite pastimes for when I just want to entertain myself. If you've been keeping track of this blog through the years, you may have noticed I have posted a couple of scripts on this blog in the past. I enjoy playing with language and dialogue. It helps give me respite from the drudgery of working on longer projects. So when I have a funny idea I like to run with it as an amusing mental exercise. In doing that I have produced a scenelet (with apologies to Lewis Carroll), which you can read below.

INTERIOR DAY, A COURTROOM

(THE JUDGE is seated on the bench at the center of one side of the room, seated next to him is a WITNESS, at a table opposite sits an ATTORNEY.)

JUDGE:  Counselor, you may now question the witness.

ATTORNEY: (Stands) Thank you, Your Honor. Now, sir, I want to go back to the day the events in question happened. To start, can you please describe what you remember about the day in general?

WITNESS: 'Twas brillig.

ATTORNEY: I'm sorry. It was what?

WITNESS: Brillig.

ATTORNEY: I don't know what "brillig" means.

WITNESS: It's a perfectly cromulent word.

ATTORNEY: Could you use it in a sentence?

WITNESS: "The hooker noticed it was a brillig day."

ATTORNEY:  Is brillig a term from the world of prostitution?

WITNESS: No! Certainly not. Why would you think that?

ATTORNEY: You mentioned a hooker in your example!

JUDGE: Let's try to move it along, counselor.

ATTORNEY: Of course, your honor. Besides being "brillig", what else do remember about that day? What was happening before the events?

WITNESS: The slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

ATTORNEY:  Did you say "slimy troves"?

WITNESS: No. Slithy. Toves. Toves which are slithy.

ATTORNEY: And these (makes air quotes) "slithy toves" were doing what?

WITNESS: They did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

ATTORNEY: Gyre and gimble? Because of the wabe?

WITNESS: Well, in the wabe, not necessarily because of it.

ATTORNEY: Naturally. Anything else?

WITNESS: All mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe.

ATTORNEY: We're just going to skip past that. Did you speak with anyone that day?

WITNESS: Yes, my father.

ATTORNEY: And what did he say to you?

WITNESS: Before I left he said to me, "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

ATTORNEY: Now that sounds important. Why what is it about (makes air quotes) "Jabberwock" that you would need to beware of?

WITNESS: The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

ATTORNEY: Okay, things are finally making sense. Was there anything else your father said you should beware of?

WITNESS: The Jubjub bird.

ATTORNEY: Excuse me?

WITNESS: Oh, and I should shun the Bandersnatch.

ATTORNEY: What is happening!?

JUDGE: Excuse me, but did you say "shun the Bandersnatch"?

WITNESS: Yes. If it's frumious.

JUDGE: I understand then. You may proceed, counselor.

ATTORNEY: When your father said this to you, did you understand what he meant?

WITNESS: Honestly, at first I didn't understand anything he said.

ATTORNEY: That make two of us. So what did you think he was saying with all this talk of Jabberwocks, Jubjubs, and Bandersnatches?

WITNESS: I thought he might be trying to tell me not to hire a hooker.

ATTORNEY: Were you going to hire a hooker?

WITNESS: No! Certainly not. Why would you think that?

ATTORNEY: You just told us you thought your father was talking about hookers.

WITNESS: I may like getting my tove slithy as much as the next man, but I don't pay for it.

JUDGE: Counselor, this witness is not here to answer questions about your bizarre hooker obsession.

ATTORNEY: Your Honor!? Fine. After your father gave you this warning, did you take any precautions when you went out?

WITNESS: I took my vorpal sword in hand.

ATTORNEY: I'm sorry, what is (makes air quotes) "vorpal"?

JUDGE: Counselor, if you make those finger quotes one more time, I will bop you with my gavel.

ATTORNEY: I'm sorry, your honor. I won't do it again. I have just never heard of a vorpal sword.

WITNESS: It's a sword that's vorpalic.

ATTORNEY: Right.

WITNESS: Obviously I wouldn't carry a sword in vorpality, but those were extraordinary circumstances.

ATTORNEY: And then what did you do?

WITNESS: Long time the manxome foe I sought.

ATTORNEY:  Wait, (raises fingers to make air quotes but pulls them back while cutting sentence short) did you say  manx-

JUDGE: (Pointing gavel at ATTORNEY) Don't test me.

ATTORNEY: What happened next?

WITNESS:  So I rested by the Tumtum tree and stood awhile in thought.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall what you thought at that time?

WITNESS: Not exactly. I just remember my thoughts were uffish.

ATTORNEY: Uh-huh. But it was at this moment that thinks took a turn, wasn't it?

WITNESS: The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame, came whiffling through the tulgey wood, and burbled as it came!

ATTORNEY: I still don't understand a lot of what you just said, but please tell us, what did you do then?

WITNESS: One, two! One, two! And through and through the vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

ATTORNEY: Your honor, could you instruct the witness to respond to the question?

JUDGE: He is responding, counselor, if you would pay attention.

WITNESS: I left it dead, and with its head I went galumphing back.

ATTORNEY: Did you say (makes air quotes) "galumphing"

(JUDGE  strikes ATTORNEY on head with gavel, ATTORNEY shouts in pain)

JUDGE: I warned you.

ATTORNEY: Upon your return did you speak with anyone.

WITNESS: Yes, my father chortled in his you, "And hast thous slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"

ATTORNEY: So now we can add frabjous, callooh, and callay to the list of words you've said today that I do not understand.

JUDGE: Don't forget beamish.

ATTORNEY: Thank you, Your Honor.

JUDGE: And what about chortle?

ATTORNEY: Actually, I think I got that one. It means to sort of laugh, right?

WITNESS: Yes, but in a frabjous sort of way. Not like when you outgrabe.

ATTORNEY: Thank you. Is there anything else you would like to share with the court.

WITNESS: I would just like to reiterate: 'twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe. Oh, and I did hire a hooker after all.

ATTORNEY: Your honor, I think I've proven my point.

JUDGE: I agree. This witness is competent to stand trial. (Gavels) What's next?

ATTORNEY: Next, I would like to review my motion in the case of Alice v. West Hampton Looking Glass Co.

-SCENE-