The recent story about Ellen DeGeneres sitting next to George W. Bush at a football game has inspired some thoughts. I am sharing Ellen's account of the events in the video posted above (which if TMZ is to be believed is also endorsed by the former President), but I also want to express my feels about it. So I hope you will take the time to read my rant as well as watch the video.
First, no one should judge FPOTUS* Bush or QODTTV** DeGeneres on a single, brief glimpse of the two of them seated together in a neutral setting. Ellen implies in her story that she did not know exactly who she would see that day, so it's not like she was looking to do a photo-op with a deeply unpopular political figure. Not everyone who is photographed in close proximity to George W. Bush had equal volition in those circumstances They do not all share equal moral responsibility for their situation. So unless you know what led to Ellen and George sharing a luxury box at an NFL game you should reserve judgement. When I first saw the picture of them together, it was because a gay internet celebrity shared it in a since deleted tweet. They asked their followers to find the situation adorable, and received a fair bit of blowback for doing so. At first I was mildly irked and considered responding. Then I remembered the golden rule of social media: You DO NOT need to share your thoughts about everything with everyone. However, Ellen's response in the video has given us some context, and I have found her defense lacking in some important ways.
*Former President of the United States
**Queen of Daytime Television
When Ellen frames this as a question about differing beliefs, she fails to address the true stakes of the situation. She claims she is friends with a lot of people who don't share her beliefs. We can all sympathize with that. (Though as someone with very few friends that actually sounds really stressful to me.) Be that as it may, our sympathies should not blind us to the fact that George W. Bush is not simply someone who has different beliefs. He is one of 44 human beings who have ever had the powers as head of the United State government and Commander in Chief of the US military to turn his beliefs into reality. Even after his term in office Bush remains a figure of significant social and cultural influence. The former President's support of Brett Kavanaugh during his nomination to the Supreme Court shows that even years after he left the White House he has the ability to influence policy for decades to come. You have probably heard some loved one propose some idea so ridiculous it made you thankful that person wasn't in charge of the world. We all live in a world that has been shaped in part by the beliefs of George W. Bush. For me to believe that Ellen understands the significance of her relationship with Bush is, she needs to show that she understands this crucial difference.
Beyond downplaying the importance of former President Bush, DeGeneres also fails to acknowledge that she could play an important role if she chose. In most friendships that involve political disagreements there is little to accomplish in arguing about it. Maybe one of the parties will change their mind to some degree, but to no real consequence. However Ellen had the chance to speak to her pal George not just as his buddy, but as the voice for many, many people he would never hear from. Consider the lives Presidents tend to lead once they leave office. They are usually sequestered from everyday life, spending most of their time with other powerful people or those who protect them. Very few people ever get to be in the same room as George W. Bush. He will never have to face someone who lost their home because of the Great Recession, or who lost a loved one because of Hurricane Katrina, or who lost everything because of the Iraq War. Ellen doesn't even have to be the voice for strangers she has never met. As one of the most highly visible LGBTQ+ people in the world, Ellen could have had a substantive conversation with a man who in 2004 advocated for an amendment to the Constitution that would have made her marriage to her wife Portia illegal and prevented the Obergefell decision from ever happening. Ellen could have done something that the rest of the world will never get to do, hold George W. Bush accountable for the consequences of his beliefs.
Perhaps worst of all DeGeneres misunderstands what it means to be kind when you are friends with someone like President Bush. Human nature compels us to form bonds with people, especially when dealing with those we perceive to be in our social group. In most face-to-face situations we will have an almost overwhelming urge to be nice. Since 2008 DeGeneres has come up in the world and Bush has come down in it. Consequently she may view herself as being his peer. Therefore in social situations like a football game I can understand if she obeyed the conventional norms to just be nice. However we should not conflate "nice" with "kind". Ask anyone who has had a friend struggling with a substance dependency, a mental health issue, or a dysfunctional relationship, and they will tell you that sometimes the kind thing to do for that friend is to have an unpleasant conversation with them. In situations like that being nice and avoiding risking the relationship in a confrontation will only allow a friend's problems to worsen. To be truly kind to a friend and look out for their best interest, regardless of the consequences, you must on occasion share unhappy facts with them. Ellen is free to be friends with whomever she pleases. I sympathize with her call to be kind to everyone. Nevertheless if she claims George W. Bush as a friend and cannot honestly say that she has had the same sort of conversations with him that she once did with John McCain, then I would say she is being nice to Bush, but she is not being kind.
Ellen DeGeneres should know very well that at times men have been allies to women and straights have been allies to gays to serve as a connection with people who only pay attention to the privileged. That was a kindness for groups who have been marginalized. Now that Ellen has the privileges success and fame bring, she had a rare chance to be an ally to a great many people who do not consider George W. Bush their friend. She did not have to do this at the football game, but I believe she has a moral obligation to do it eventually. So I sincerely hope that at some point before or after this encounter she challenged Bush on his different beliefs. It would have been a kindness for those of us who will never get that chance.
