Since I have already dabbled in predicting the outcomes of college bowl games (with some success, though I didn’t get the big game right) and the Academy Awards (with more success, though, again, I couldn’t get the top category right), I figured I might as well dip my feet into the ultimate prediction game: March Madness. This Thursday will start the NCAA Division I Basketball playoffs. While that is quite a mouthful to say out loud, all you really need to know is that 65 basketball teams have been given a chance to win the national championship. The rules are simple, win or go home, whoever can win six games in a row will be the national champion. Since, there are so many teams, and it’s a single elimination playoff-system, the NCAA men’s tournament is infamous for being impossible to predict perfectly. Naturally, I can’t turn down such a challenge. Of course everyone who read my earlier predictions knows that I can’t just use a sensible or rational prediction method. So for this year’s NCAA bracket predictions I will base all my predictions on a comparison of the two schools mascots, specifically which mascot would win in a gladiator style battle to the death. It should be clear that I don’t mean their nicknames –I am not interested in whether a golden bear could defeat a wolf pack- I mean the actual, physical courtside mascot the school uses to bolster the crowd’s moral. This may be some co-ed in a costume, a live animal, or simple a banner or statue. In researching for this piece I significantly used MascotNet. I encourage you all to visit them here.You may find this absurd. You may disagree with how I assess the hypothetical fights. You may lose hundreds of dollars attempting to gamble on these ridiculous forecasts. I don’t care about any of that. I just found it amusing to come up with these predictions. I hope you enjoy my fabulous “Mascot Death Match Brackets”. For your benefit I’ll unveil them round by round.
First Round
Atlanta Region
(1) Duke’s Blue Devil against (16) Southern University’s LaCumba the Jaguar- In theory, a devil of any variety should be an intimidating opponent and a blue devil gets extra-value for rarity. However, when you realize this match is between some college kid in a plush costume against a live jaguar named LaCumba, then I call this one in favor of Southern University.
(8) George Washington’s Colonials against (9) University of North Carolina- Wilmington’s Seahawk- First of all, I don’t think a seahawk is very intimidating, and the pictures I’ve seen of UNC- Wilmington’s mascot only make it look like a silly bird. What chance does sad pseudo-waterfowl have against a GW’s team of colonial character. In any kind of fight, an advantage in numbers can mean a lot, that’s why I pick George Washington.
(5) Syracuse’s Orange against (12) Texas A&M’s Reveille- If there is anyone else out there who thinks a fight between a giant foam orange and an irate female Irish-Setter would be hysterical, then you and I need to get together and figure out how none of the professional wrestling leagues has tried this yet. As far as the pick goes, I’ll take the mascot with fangs. Texas A&M in a walk.
(4) LSU’s Mike the Tiger against (13) Iona’s Gael, Killian- Everyone who knows what a “gael” is please raise your hand. That’s what I thought. Would it even matter? LSU has a real live Bengal tiger on their side. Killian may be a really great gael, whatever that turns out to be, but I am stcking with Mike. An easy win for LSU.
(6)West Virginia’s Mountaineer against (11) Southern Illinois’s Salukis- I think Southern Illinois’s Salukis looks great, the right blend of friendly a fierce, a worthy mascot of any quality basketball program. Plus the saluki- it’s a type of dog people!- can lay claim to being the oldest domesticated breed in the world. They were worshipped as a god in ancient Egypt, a civilization famed for their general preference for cats. All of this had me picking SIU in an upset, and then I found out West Virginia’s Mountaineer has a gun. It may only be a black powder musket, but gun beats giant dog any day of the week in my book. West Virginia in a close one.
(3) Iowa’s Herky Hawk against (14) Northwestern State’s Demon- This is too easy. First of all a demon is way better than a hawk; no one can argue otherwise. Second, Vic the Demon has experience. He once got in a fistfight with University of Louisiana- Monroe’s mascot Chief Brave Spirit at a football game. Eventually the two mascots had to be separated by the police. Then you have to consider that Iowa cheated, their team’s nick name is the “hawkeyes” -meaning what exactly I don’t know- and they use a hawk as a mascot, so they’re disqualified anyway. Northwestern State wins by disqualification.
(7) California’s Oski, the Golden Bear against (10) North Carolina State’s Mr. and Ms. Wuf- I feel sorry for the University of California- Berkley student body. They are represented by Oski, the Golden Bear, whose slouched posture, antiquated button-down sweater, and poorly parted hair (I have no idea why a bear would bother to part his hair, but that’s not my problem) don’t suggest an intimidating symbol of school pride as much as they suggest a young George Plimpton. This is not a good thing. N.C State manages to skirt being DQ’d by having a wolfpack of two, composed of Mr. and Ms. Wuf who seem sufficiently bloodthirsty and fit for the basketball arena. Oski on the other hand looks like he belongs in a bingo parlor. Chalk one up for North Carolina State.
(2) Texas’s Bevo against (15) Pennsylvania’s Quaker- The Ivy League has always been a little weak on mascots. They frown upon mascots much as they do any other traditionally common aspect of collegiate life. The University of Pennsylvania’s Quaker mascot is a surprisingly cool counterexample. Sadly, he is a pacifist and would therefore get gored by UT’s Bevo rather than raise arms against him. That’s a real shame, because I think Bevo is just a fat, lazy heifer that couldn’t get past any other legitimate mascot in the bracket. So Texas in an ugly one.
Oakland Region
(1) Memphis’ Pouncer, the tiger against (16)Oral Robert’s Golden Eagle- Pouncer is a fun, festive, well-loved tiger with a sort of “heavy- set Tigger” look going on, overall a classic mascot. The Oral Robert’s Golden Eagle, doesn’t seem to have much of a personality, and since he comes from a traditional Christian university, I feel he might face the prospect of death at the paws of a large cat with some grace and dignity. Memphis locks this one away.
(8) Arkansas’ Big Red against (9) Bucknell’s Bison- Arkansas uses a veritable flotilla of mascots. From their live Russian bore, Tusk I, to their brightly costumed hog Big Red and female sow Sue. E they’re already stuffed to gills with representatives of razorback pride. When you throw in the kid-sized Pork Chop and inflatable Boss Hog, I barely knew which mascot to pick. Bucknell’s Bison looks fairly drab by comparison, not to mention that the costume’s head probably has a poor range of vision. I’ll pick Arkansas.
(5) Pittsburgh’s Panther against (12) Kent State’s Eagle- I think Pittsburgh’s cheesy “guy in a cheap looking panther costume” mascot is weak and ripe for an upset, but Kent State is DQ’d for being nicknamed the “Golden Flashes”, which could be a legitimately cool mascot, and then choosing some dude in an eagles costume as their courtside cheerleader. Pittsburgh advances, but just barely.
(4) Kansas’s Jayhawk against (13) Bradley’s Brave- Jayhawks may not be a real bird, but they are a wonderful mascot, bright and colorful with just the right iconic look. The Jayhawk would have won this one in a walk, but there won’t even be a match as the NCAA won’t allow the Brave to appear at the tournament since it perpetuates a racist stereotype of Native Americans. Kansas wins by forfeit.
(6) Indiana’s ????? against (11) San Diego State’s Aztec Warrior- Don’t ask me what a “hoosier” is, all I know is that that’s Indiana University’s nickname. Don’t ask me how you would make a hoosier mascot, all I know is that IU didn’t even try. Don’t ask me why the NCAA didn’t rule that a bare-chested guy in loin-cloth and headdress purportedly portraying an “Aztec warrior” isn’t racist, all I know is that the guy looks pretty intimidating and he carries a spear. Don’t ask me how the brackets could have aligned so that one of the coolest mascots I’ve ever seen gets matched up with a supposed “power program” that doesn’t even have a mascot, all I know is that this could be the start of one of the greatest Cinderella stories ever. I give San Diego State the win, and am very excited about where they could go from here.
(3) Gonzaga’s Spike, the Bulldog against (14) Xavier’s Blue Blob- Officially Xavier’s mascot is the Musketeer for which they have a statue outside of their stadium. However, once I heard about Blue Blob I knew he had to be in the Big Dance. Blue Blob is essentially a column of blue fuzz with tennis shoes. Spike is a large intimidating bulldog character, and that is to his credit. I understand the Zag’s used to have a live dog mascot, but I guess they realized Georgia had pounded that one into the ground. I am also intrigued by their short lived “Captain Zag” which apparently involved a guy wearing a cape to their games. It doesn’t matter in the end. I don’t know how anyone could defeat Blue Blob. Seriously, I don’t even know where you would aim. So, I’m advancing Xavier. If you don’t think I am stoked about the second round match-up between Blue Blob and the Aztec Warrior, you are crazier than Jean Loring. (I knew I could make an obscure comic book reference in this piece!)
(7) Marquette’s Golden Eagle against (10) Alabama’s Big Al- Another disqualification eliminates Alabama, because they use an elephant as a mascot when their nickname is the Crimson Tide. He probably would have lost anyway since his trunk is a huge liability in a fight. Marquette advances by DQ.
(2) UCLA’s Joe Bruin against (15) Belmont’s Bruiser, the Bruin- Two bruins meeting in the first round, what are the odds? You would think if schools in a first round match-up were to share a mascot it would be the tigers or the bulldogs or the wildcats or something. Joe Bruin is all about being audience friendly and entertaining in classic L.A. tradition. Bruiser is all about kicking butt and chewing gum, and Belmont just lost their federal research grant on gum chewing. I give Belmont the win.
Washington D.C. Region
(1) University of Connecticut’s Jonathan the Husky against (16) University of Albany’s Damien, the Great Dane- I would have a hard time voting for a mascot with a name as silly as “Jonathan the Husky” except that “Damien the Great Dane” is nearly as bad. Plus, Jonathan looks at least slightly combat ready, while Damien mostly looks like a Scooby-Doo knock-off. UConn, but only just barely.
(8) Kentucky’s Wildcat against (9)UAB’s Blaze the Dragon- For a wildcat, Wildcat looks pretty tame. I much prefer dragons of any variety. Since Blaze is a dragon, he avoids disqualification because all dragons are blazers of some variety. UAB takes this one easily.
(5) Washington’s Harry the Husky against (12) Utah State’s Big Blue- Big Blue is a pretty sweet mascot. He has big muscles, big horns, and a great look overall. However, I found a picture of Harry the Husky making a child cry with his frightful visage. Now that is a killer mascot. Washington wins this in a blow out.
(4) Illinois’ Chief Illiniwek against (13) Air Force’s Falcon- The service academies are great because they do things like keep trained hunting falcons on campus as a symbol of school spirit. That’s just one more thing that makes the U.S. military great. Of course Illinois makes it easy because Chief Illiniwek has been ruled too racist to appear at the tourney by the NCAA. Air Force wins by forfeit.
(6) Michigan State’s Sparty the Spartan against (11) George Mason’s Gunston- Gunston is not disqualified because I am certain he is a patriot, even if he doesn’t wear it on his sleeve by being red, white, and blue or something else equally jingoistic. However, I don’t know what they heck he is other than patriotic. Sparty is at least recognizable, plus he wears body armor, so he has an advantage in any fight. Michigan State takes this one easily.
(3) North Carolina’s Ramses against (14) Murray’s State Dunker- Dunker, a large race horse costume, is representative of Murray State’s nickname the Racers. He has height and reach advantages over most other mascots. However I think Ramses more than makes up for that fact with his ability to use his ram horns to head butt his way through most situations. I’m not entirely certain what a “tar heel” is, so I’ll accept that a ram is a fair representation. UNC wins a surprisingly close match-up.
(7) Wichita State’s Wu the Shock of Wheat against (10) Seton Hall’s Pirate- I love a shock of wheat as a mascot. I would love it even more if the term “shocker” hadn’t picked up some rather distasteful connotations of late. However, when you go up against a pirate you have to bring something a little better than a high carb diet. Pirates are just too wily and feisty to be taken down by simple long grains. Seton Hall wins this easily.
(2)Tennessee’s Smokey the coonhound against (15) Winthrop’s Big Stuff the eagle- Once again, I guess I’ll just have to accept that Smokey is a volunteer and as such an acceptable representative of UT’s nickname. Unfortunately Smokey faces a tough match-up against Big Stuff, who is by far the best eagle-based mascot in this year’s bracket. I just don’t think a coonhound is tough enough to topple Big Stuff. In an upset, I call this one for Winthrop.
Minneapolis Region
(1) Villanova’s Wildcat against (16) Play-in game winner- The Villanova Wildcat is a pretty kicking mascot, so I would give it favorable odds that no matter who wins the play-in game. You know what, mascots aside, I would have to be some kind of stupid to believe that the top overall team in the tournament would lose to one of the two worst teams. Villanova takes this one in a cake walk.
(8) Arizona’s Wilbur Wildcat against (9) University of Wisconsin- Madison’s Bucky the Badger- Some might be down on the name Wilbur, but I will never turn my back on any name associated with the Wright brothers (Go Dayton! This little town is a great pick to host games for the opening two rounds. You may not know it, but for some reason they love their college basketball in Dayton, Ohio. Heck they packed the play-in game last year. I think the Miami Valley is going to being doing some pretty hard lobbying to get a Dayton Region in the next few years, and you know they’re hard at work plotting a way to land the Final Four by 2020.Anyways…) I like the intense look of Wilbur, but Bucky is pretty tough looking himself. Plus, I love Bucky’s retro-1930’s sweater look. I don’t know, in the forest, a wildcat may have the advantage over a badger, but I’ve always had a soft spot for badgers and other killer-rodents. I’ll pick Wisconsin in the closest match of the first round.
(5) Nevada’s Wolfie against (12) Montana’s Monte the Grizzly- This is easy spelled capital “e” capital “z”. Wolfie is awkward, top-heavy, and too soft and cutesy to last long in a fight. Monte is lithe powerful and an intimidating foe. Wolf versus bear sounds like a great fight, but it’s probably way more one-sided than we like to think. Montana wins in a blow out.
(4) Boston College’s Baldwin the Eagle against (13) University of the Pacific’s Tommy the Tiger- I have to give a warning to you all not to confuse University of the Pacific with Pacific University. That particular mistake almost ruined my bracket as I originally had the sober looking Baldwin winning this match. I don’t know how this is legal, could I move to Fort Wayne and open up University of Indiana. Anyways, as much as I originally liked Baldwin, I have to go with Tommy here. Why? Because he’s wearing a little hat and that amuses me. So I’ll say Pacific wins this one largely due to poor officiating.
(6) Oklahoma’s Sooner Schooner against (11) University of Wisconsin- Milwaukee’s Victor E. Panther- How can you not love the name Victor E. Panther? This is almost too easy. Besides I don’t think Oklahoma’s wagon can even fit in a basketball arena. I’m pretty sure it’s just a football thing. How can you have your mascot be exclusive to one sport? Wisconsin-Milwaukee takes this in a rout.
(3) Florida’s Albert the Gator against (14) South Alabama’s South Paw- I think jaguars and alligators may be natural enemies in the wild, so this match-up has a little extra juice. I know Albert looks a little heavy, but I think that’s Tony Soprano heavy, not John Goodman heavy. So I like Albert to beat-down on South Paw who’s a little out of his weight class. Florida takes a soft opponent.
(7) Georgetown’s Jack the Bulldog against (10)University of Northern Iowa’s Panther- Once more I’ll just accept that Georgetown’s nickname “hoya” is in some indecipherable way referring to bulldogs. Their human mascot is tough looking an even has a nice hat. UNI’s panther on the other hand is hard to find and the few picture I have seen of him make him look pretty lame. I’ll take Georgetown in a double-digit victory.
(2)The Ohio State University’s Brutus Buckeye against (15) Davidson’s Wildcat- Not another wildcat! Ugh, next year I may create a “wildcat penalty” for having an unoriginal mascot. I mush prefer OSU’s choice to take a silly nickname –buckeyes, a nut native to Ohio- and make it into a cool mascot: a person with a giant nut for a head. Brutus has all the advantages, height, reach, range of motion and a lot of head protection. In a mascot death match, you cannot underestimate the utility of having a costume that allows a person to essentially move unencumbered. Give this one to The Ohio State University.
See my second round predictions here.
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