My Big, Dumb Roommate

Portrait of the "author"

Anyone who has ever lived with an animal has likely spent some amount of time pondering what the animal is thinking. What must be happening in that creature's brain to make it behave the way it does? How does it see the world? Would the thoughts of a member of another species be completely alien to us, or are they more similar to us than we realize? Most importantly, what must animals think of the humans around them? This is my attempt to view myself through my pet cat's eyes. 


Let me tell you about this guy I live with. Frankly I cannot make sense of the way he acts most of the time. I won't name him here partly because it is in a weird language that I can never pronounce and am incapable of spelling. Mostly though, I don't want to share his name because I am about to tell you a bunch of weird stuff about him, and I don't want to embarrass him.

To start at the beginning of each day, my roommate sleeps like a rock. Long after I have woken up and started my routine he'll still be dead to the world. Many mornings I actually get worried about him. I start to think, "Is he sick or dead?" So before I can eat breakfast I'll go to his bedroom and try to wake him. Sometimes I'll just say something to get him out of bed. Other times I have to physically prod him, like poke his face or something, just to wake him up!

For someone who sleeps so late in the morning, he also seems to go to bed surprisingly early. Now I really shouldn't judge. I work from home, so I don't have to go out each day like he does. That also gives me the freedom to structure my sleep schedule more loosely by taking naps during the day and not collapsing as soon as the sun starts to set. There's just so much fun stuff to do after dark, I think it's a waste to spend all those hours in bed.

My roommate has known I like to stay up and do stuff at night since I moved in with him. Still every so often he will get out of bed and come looking for me. He acts as if he can't sleep while I am active in another room. I would apologize that whatever I was busy with was making so much noise it woke him up, but then every morning he's nearly impossible to wrest from slumber. Maybe he has some kind of condition that gives him variable hearing that peaks shortly after he falls asleep, but effectively deafens him after a few hours of sleep. Is that even medically possible?

On the topic of his senses, I do honestly think he has some sort of strange condition. He is way, WAY above average in height and weight, so it's possible he has an undiagnosed pituitary problem. It seems to effect the sensitivity and acuity of all of his senses in some way or another.

His vision can be quite accurate with good lighting. Though as an side, I'd argue he has strange taste in the colors he likes to put together. Whenever it gets dark though he is practically blind. If the apartment isn't lit up at night like it's noon on a summer day, he frequently bumps into things. Including and especially me!

He seems to have a very peculiar palate. Maybe he comes from a culture that favors different kinds of foods than I like, but I cannot fathom what he likes about some of the things he eats. He will often substitute vegetables or grains for meat in his meals. I love meat, can't get enough of it, but different strokes for different folks. However what really confounds me are all the baked goods, creams, confections, and other foods he eats because he claims they satisfy his "sweet tooth". On the rare occasion when I have tried something off his plate, I find it all pretty flavorless. It's as if he has some completely different sensory experience than I do when he eats that stuff.

Fine dining

Also, the condition that seems to affect his hearing, must leave him pretty hard of hearing most of the time. All the time I will hear loud noises that startle me, but he doesn't seem to hear them at all. I will snap to attention or coming running into a room, because I heard something that I fear may signal imminent danger. Then I notice my roommate sitting their as oblivious to the noises of the world as if he had triple-thick ear muffs on.

On the topic of his sense of smell, things can be kind of sensitive, so I don't want to say too much. However I have to note the very pungent personal odor my roommate seems to carefully cultivate.

All standards of beauty and grooming are cultural, so I don't bring this up to shame my roommate. He stinks, but I don't know if he's to blame. It isn't the odor of his body that is so powerful; it's all the stuff he puts on it. I wash myself regularly, as I was raised to do, and I don't drown myself in product when I do.He cleans himself much less often, but uses tons of very fragrant soaps, washes, scrubs and other things like that. I guess the idea is the aromatic nature of his cleansers will cover his BO, but he goes way  overboard.  He even rubs on additional scented lotions and creams all day long. Very often I can detect his approach by smell before he even enters the room.

My roommate is great in that he'll do all the shopping. I do try to contribute as well by bringing in some food for us. I was raised in a family of hunters. I still feel it is important to catch some of what you eat yourself. There are many species that would overwhelm the local environment if their numbers weren't regularly thinned by hunters. So I have no moral problem with killing the occasional wild critter to supplement my diet. My roommate seems repulsed by this though. It's not like he's a vegetarian or anything, so I don't understand why he gets so grossed. I admit I do use common areas to clean my kill which can get pretty messy. Still I think he just doesn't have the stomach to confront what it means to live a carnivorous lifestyle.

There are other perks my roommate offers. He also pays the bills for all the utilities. That makes sense since all of that was in his name already from when he lived in the apartment by himself. Besides we have a system in place by which I reimburse him for everything he does. I may not have much money but I always contribute in kind. The system seems to work well for both of us.

The "author" looking after some toys

I like to help out with some of the household chores. My roommate never asks me to, but I think it demonstrates the value of having me around. Very often I clear things of tables and desks. I put stray items away. However it seems that I don't do this "properly", because my roommate often gets frustrated. Sometimes he seems baffled that he can't find something only to discover that I stored it somewhere he didn't think to look. Somedays I wonder if I should even bother trying to clean up. At least when I make a mess (if I get sick or something), I try to keep it from spreading  and stinking up the place.

My roommate is very particular about where he sits down. He always needs a heavily padded seat and plenty of room to stretch out his gargantuan limbs. He is adamant that he has to have a lot of room to rest his big backside. If he catches me sitting somewhere he wants to flop down on he'll chase me away. I never do that. I am always more than happy to share a seat with him. It's fine though, because I will basically sit anywhere. Obviously I have a preference for warms spots. Also I like a nice, spot where I can tuck in my limbs and watch the world go by from a safe, protected place. Basically if I can fit somewhere I will sit there.

Having a roommate has conditioned me to want company around me at all hours of the day. To be honest I can get pretty lonely hanging out at home without him.  So I do tend to make a big deal of it when he comes home. I will yell and shout and try to display physical affection. Sometimes he acts like he's not in the mood to deal with my display of friendliness. I doubt he understands how much his arrival each day means to me.

There are times when I worry he actually might forget where he lives. As I've mentioned his senses are kind of dull, so it might be hard for him to even identify our home. Also he can be kind of absent-minded -not paying attention to details- and he's a bit of a bumbler. When I see him coming from the window I will start shouting at him. Mostly I'm just excited to see him, but I also don't know if he would know where to go without my hearing voice. He may find it annoying, but I can't help it. I just want to see him get home safely.

"Night gathers, and now my watch begins"

He has some real trouble understanding boundaries. He never seems able to identify the right time to start or stop fooling around. He will try to get me to play a game with him when I am clearly not interested. Then when we are in the middle of something really fun, he'll abruptly stop. Even when I am clearly still hyped up and raring to go, he'll just wander away. When I am feeling revved up and trying to burn off some extra energy after he has decided to observe his ridiculously early bedtime, he acts like I'm the jerk. Why can't he understand the simple body language clues that signal when I am down to clown versus when I want him to get lost? I guess some of it might me cultural, but I do wonder if he might be "on the spectrum".

The real problem is that my roommate really doesn't understand what is and isn't appropriate body contact. If he happens to be working on something around the apartment, and I so much as approach him to say hello he freaks out. Just because I ruffled some papers or sat on his keyboard, he acts like I am a nuisance. Then when I am relaxed and minding my own business, he'll start groping me out of nowhere!

Generally he limits these unsolicited touches to the top of my head or down my spine, but he has a real affinity for touching me in places I do NOT like to be touched. He seems to get a perverse joy our of running his hand along my belly and ribs (and sometimes he definitely makes contact with my nipples!), when it should be obvious to all that I am very protective of those parts of my body. Usually I only let my guard down when I feel very comfortable and safe. When he does this I tend to lash out at him, because it makes me feel like I must be on guard every moment of every day. Then he wonders how I appear to have so little energy.

With all that said, I still am glad to have my big, dumb roommate. For starters having a big body in the house, makes me feel safer. I wouldn't say we live in a bad neighborhood, but I definitely see some suspicious characters out the window. Having him around helps me feel protected. Also I really appreciate sharing my home with someone who seems to care so much about me. When I feel cold, he will even let me climb into bed with him to warm up. He may not be perfect, but I am glad he's mine.

The "author" and roommate sharing a rare moment of mutual understanding