Sketch Script: Achilles' Heel

EXTERIOR, DAY: AN ENCAMPMENT OF GREEK WARRIORS

(A crowd of warriors are gathered in a semicircle around two men, ODYSSEUS and ACHILLES. ALL are dressed in ancient-style armor and holding weapons and/or shields. ODYSSEUS and ACHILLES stand on a slightly elevated platform facing the others.)

ACHILLES: Take tonight to prepare for battle my Greek brothers for tomorrow will be our day of victory over Troy !

ALL cheer and wave their weapons in excitement.

ACHILLES: Tonight the Trojans hide behind their walls and celebrate their Festival of . . . (looks to ODYSSEUS who shrugs) I don't know, some dumb Trojan thing. We shall allow them to sing their songs and drink their wine, and in the morning they will be too sick to fight. Then we will conquer!

ALL cheer and wave their weapons again.

ACHILLES: So sharpen your swords, dress your wounds, and I want to see everyone getting a good night's sleep and eating a healthy breakfast. We will bring praise to Greece!

ALL: Praise to Greece!

ODYSSEUS: And praise to our leader, Achilles!

ALL: Praise to Achilles!

ACHILLES: (Feigning embarrassment) Oh, you guys I don't deserve a lot of special attention. Now get back to your camps. We assemble again in the morning.

(The crowd  disperses off stage except for ACHILLES, ODYSSEUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, and NESTOR. AJAX, AGAMEMNON, and NESTOR form a group facing the audience. ACHILLES and ODYSSEUS turn to each other begin a conversation back stage of the others.)

NESTOR: Do you guys think this plan seems a little risky?


AJAX: What are you talking about?

AGAMEMNON: What could be risky about attacking a city of drunken Trojans?

NESTOR: That's the thing. I don't think sound military strategy is based on the assumption that your opponent will have a hangover.

AJAX: Oh, there's no doubt that they'll be sleeping it off. Trojans are known for their drinking.

(At this point ACHILLES and ODYSSEUS cross the stage behind the others.)

AGAMEMNON: Exactly right! Everyone knows that alcohol is their Achilles' heel.


ACHILLES: (barging into the group) Excuse me. What did you just say?

AGAMEMNON: Oh, Achilles, I didn't know you were listening.

ACHILLES: What did you say about my heel Agamemnon?

AJAX: Well since everyone knows your heels are the only weak spot on your body . . .


ACHILLES: (interrupting) Everyone knows about my heels?! That was supposed to be a secret!

AGAMEMNON: Sorry, I had no idea you didn't want people to know that.

ACHILLES: Let's see, I'm fighting in a war, and I am pretty much invulnerable. So, no, I didn't want people to talk about the one body part that the Trojans should aim at. How did you even know about it?

AGAMEMNON: Ajax told me.

AJAX: I heard it from Nestor.

NESTOR: I heard it from Homer, the poet. Actually, I think he's been telling a lot of people.

ACHILLES: That gossipy blind bastard! His eyes don't work, but his mouth sure does.

AGAMEMNON: It's just a really interesting story. It's on all the pots.

ACHILLES: Oh Gods...

NESTOR: It's not that big a deal. It's just an expression, like when you say you're caught between Scylla and Charybdis. 

ODYSSEUS: Wait, what does that mean?

ACHILLES: Not now, Odysseus. What else do people say about me? Like do they say "Achilles' sword", or "Achilles' smile", or "Achilles' great looking hair"?

AGAMEMNON: No, it's pretty much just the heel thing.

ACHILLES: This is awful. I don't want the most famous thing about me to be my heel. For the love of Jesus!

ODYSSEUS: Who?

ACHILLES: I dunno.

NESTOR: Achilles, if we knew it bothered you, we never would have said it.

AJAX: Yeah, everyone knows how angry you can get.

ACHILLES: (starting to yell) Then why don't people say "Achilles' anger"?!

AJAX: Man, maybe anger is your Achilles' heel.

ACHILLES: Stop saying that!

ODYSSEUS: Yeah, it doesn't even make sense. We know his Achilles' heel is his heel. (ACHILLES glares at him)

ACHILLES: Okay, until the Trojans are defeated, I am ordering everyone to stop talking about my one weakness.

AGAMEMNON: You know, Achilles, having a vulnerable heel may not be such a big deal, if you didn't always wear sandals.

NESTOR: That is true. We Greeks don't have the most protective footwear.

AJAX: Maybe you should pray for something sturdier and more protective

ACHILLES: What god do you pray to for better shoes?

AGAMEMNON: I would go with the goddess of victory.

ACHILLES: You mean Nike?

-SCENE-